How do I coach sharing attention fairly when their best friend joins a group? 

Parenting Perspective 

When your child’s best friend joins a group activity, it can stir up some unexpected emotions in them, such as a mixture of excitement, protectiveness, and even jealousy. Your child might begin to think, ‘They are my best friend, so why are they laughing with someone else?’, or ‘If I share my friend, will I be forgotten?’ These feelings are deeply human and are experienced even by adults. Teaching your child how to share the attention of a friend in a fair way can help them to learn a sense of emotional balance, a generosity in their friendships, and the quiet confidence that real bonds do not fade when they are shared. 

Begin by Naming the Feeling Without Shame 

It is important to start with empathy. You could say, ‘It sounds like you felt a little bit left out when your friend was playing with the other children. That is okay. It is normal to want to feel special to someone.’ When you are able to name their emotion without any sense of judgment, your child can begin to learn that their feeling of jealousy is not a ‘bad’ thing; it is simply a signal that they care deeply about their friend. You can then gently reframe the situation: ‘When your friend talks to other people, it does not mean that they like you any less; it just means that they are being friendly to everyone.’ 

Teach Them to See Friendship as a Circle, Not a Line 

You can explain to your child that good friendships are like circles, not like straight lines. In a line, someone will always end up being at the back, but in a circle, everyone has their own space. You could say, ‘If you try to pull your friend away from the other children, you might both miss out on some of the fun. But if you are able to open up your circle, you will have more people to enjoy the game with.’ Using toys or drawings to show how inclusion can strengthen the bonds of friendship can be very effective. 

Coach Them in Small Acts of Inclusion 

You can give your child some simple and specific behaviours that they can practise in these situations. 

• Smile or wave when their friend is talking to other children, instead of frowning. 

• Invite a new child to join in with their game: ‘We are playing tag. Do you want to join in?’ 

• Use inclusive language, such as, ‘Let us all sit over here,’ or ‘We can all take turns to play.’ 

These small gestures can help them to learn a sense of generosity of spirit and can help them to feel powerful rather than possessive. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that a genuine sense of love and of friendship should always be rooted in fairness (adl), mercy (rahmah), and sincerity (ikhlas). The desire to be valued is a natural human feeling, but a generosity of the heart, the ability to share our joy, our attention, and our connections with others, is a reflection of a higher form of character. When your child is able to learn to open their circle to others, rather than trying to guard it, they are reflecting the noble manners that were taught by the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ. 

The Virtue of Fairness and Generosity in Friendship 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hashar (59), Verse 9: 

‘…And giving preference over themselves, even though they were impecunious themselves; and whoever is salvaged from (the inherent state of) being miserly for himself, then they are the victorious.’ 

This verse teaches us about the beauty of selflessness. When your child is able to choose to share the attention of a friend or to include other children in their game, even while wishing for more of that attention for themselves, they are embodying the spirit of this verse in their own small way. That generosity of spirit is a form of success, not of loss. 

The Prophetic Example of Balanced Love 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 311, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The best companion in the sight of Allah is the one who is best to his companions.’ 

This hadith reminds us that a sense of kindness and of fairness in our friendships is what can elevate a person’s status in the sight of Allah. When your child is able to welcome other children into their circle, they are not losing their friend; they are gaining the great reward of being the best kind of companion. 

Guiding your child to share their attention in a fair way can teach them a form of emotional generosity, a lesson that will serve them for the rest of their lives. They can learn that a friendship is not something to be guarded tightly, but something that can be expanded. 

Your own empathy and guidance can help them to see that being secure in a loving friendship means allowing other people to belong too. When they are able to choose a sense of inclusion over a feeling of possessiveness, they are reflecting both their inner strength and their faith, the quiet confidence that real bonds do not fade when they are shared. 

Spiritually, this sense of balance, of warmth and of fairness, is the mark of a believer who trusts in a sense of abundance, not of scarcity. In time, your child will be able to discover for themselves that the happiest of friendships are not the ones that are fenced off, but the ones that have been opened gently, where everyone is able to feel seen, and where the love only continues to grow.