How Do I Coach Peers to Include a Child Who Plays Intensely? 

Parenting Perspective 

It can be difficult to watch a child with a lot of energy consistently being sidelined during play. Your desire is for inclusion, but you also need to ensure safety and a good time for everyone. The aim is to coach the entire group to channel that intensity into structured, safe, and shared fun. True inclusion is not an act of charity; it is the result of clear rules, simple roles, and social skills that are practised together so the intense child can belong without the game falling apart. 

Prepare the Group Before Play Begins 

It is best to speak to the group in a neutral and inclusive tone. You could say, ‘Everyone here brings different kinds of strengths to our game. Today, we are all going to practise playing with both focus and fun.’ Avoid labelling the child as ‘too much.’ Instead, name two clear goals for everyone: first, to keep the game safe, and second, to keep the game friendly. It can also be helpful to open with a 30-second warm-up so everyone’s body has a chance to settle before the first burst of excitement. 

Establish Clear Rules for Fair Play 

A short, shared set of rules can help to keep all the peers on the same page. You could introduce a simple acronym like PACE. 

• Position: Keep enough space between players, at least an arm’s length, unless the game allows for contact. 

• Agree: Do a quick consent check before starting, such as, ‘Ready?’ ‘Ready!’ 

• Control: Keep all movements smooth, not jerky or sudden. 

• Exit: Anyone can call ‘Pause’ at any time to step out for a drink of water, and then rejoin when they are ready. 

Rehearse these rules for just ten seconds, and then begin the game. Repetition will help this to become muscle memory for all the children. 

Design Games That Absorb Big Energy 

Choose game formats that provide a natural structure for the intensity. 

• Timed rounds. You could play for 60 seconds, and then take a 30-second break. This allows everyone to reset together. 

• Designated zones. You could have a ‘chase zone’ and a ‘calm zone,’ and have the players switch between them when you call out ‘change’. 

• A focus on tasks. Obstacle relays, a tug-of-war with a rope, or throwing beanbags at a target are all great options. Having an external goal reduces the likelihood of body-to-body clashes. 

• ‘Power jobs’. You can assign roles that turn a need for leadership into an act of inclusion, such as a ‘pace setter’ who calls out ‘slow’ or ‘go,’ or a ‘spotter’ who reminds everyone to keep an arm’s-length distance. 

Provide Scripts for Kind Communication 

Give the children the exact phrases they can use to guide each other without causing shame. You can post these on a card or say them together before you begin to play. 

• ‘This is still fun, just a bit softer please.’ 

• ‘I need an arm’s length, and then I can join in.’ 

• ‘I need a “yellow” pace right now.’ 

• ‘Pause. Let us get some water, and then we can restart.’ 

Using this shared language helps to lower any friction between the players. 

Guide the Group During and After Play 

When the intensity begins to spike, it is important to step in with a neutral cue, not a lecture. You can say, ‘Time check. Let us take a 30-second water break.’ During this pause, you can hand the intense child a ‘power task’, such as carrying the cushions, setting up cones, or counting in the next round. This helps to channel their adrenaline while preserving their dignity. After a round has finished, you can close with a quick, 90-second huddle and ask some brief questions: 

• ‘What was the best moment of teamwork in that game?’ 

• ‘What is one safety move you will repeat next time?’ 

This short and predictable reflection helps everyone to keep improving, without singling out the more intense player. A child who plays with a lot of energy does not need constant correction; they need a team that has been trained to meet them with clarity, cues, and chances to lead. Your structure can help to turn ‘too much’ energy into energy that is ‘well used,’ allowing friendships to flourish without fear or frustration. 

Spiritual Insight 

Inclusion that is framed with clear boundaries is a beautiful reflection of Islamic character. We can teach our children to welcome one another with mercy, to set limits with kindness, and to choose fairness over pride. This is how hearts can stay together while bodies stay safe. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verses 13: 

‘O mankind, indeed, We (Allah Almighty) have created you all from one man and one woman; and placed you amongst various nations and tribes for your introduction to each other; indeed, the best of you in the judgement of Allah (Almighty) is the one who is most virtuous; indeed, Allah (Almighty) is the Omniscient, the all Cognisant.‘ 

This reminds us that our differences are meant to be a source of connection, not exclusion. Coaching peers to include a child who is more intense is a way of honouring this verse by helping them to ‘know one another’ through patience, not through mockery. 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 66, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘None of you truly believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.’ 

This teaches us that real faith can be seen in acts of practical inclusion. When children learn to give each other space, to ask ‘Are you ready?’, and to share their leadership so everyone can enjoy the game, they are truly loving for others what they love for themselves. 

You can end your playtime with a short family reminder: ‘We play strong and we play fair. We make space so that everyone can belong.’ In this way, sport itself becomes a form of spiritual training. Your children can learn that strength without mercy will fracture a group, but strength that is guided by love will gather hearts together, and that is the kind of team that Allah Almighty loves.