How do I coach giving compliments that sound real, not teasing? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children are naturally observant; they will notice a classmate’s new haircut, a friend’s beautiful drawing, or a peer’s clever idea, and yet expressing that appreciation in a sincere way does not always come easily to them. Some children may fear sounding awkward, while others may try to hide their praise behind a veil of humour or teasing. Learning how to give a genuine compliment is an essential social skill. It is a way of teaching empathy, emotional clarity, and humility, helping your child to strengthen their friendships through a sense of honesty and kindness, rather than through sarcasm or competition. 

Begin by Modelling What a Real Compliment Sounds Like 

Children learn what sincerity is by hearing it expressed. You can give authentic praise in your own home, not in the form of exaggerated flattery, but in a real and heartfelt way. For example, you could say, ‘You worked so hard on that puzzle. I can see your patience growing,’ or ‘I really liked the way you helped your friend today. That showed a great deal of thoughtfulness.’ When you are able to compliment your child with specific details and with a sense of warmth, your child can experience for themselves what real appreciation sounds and feels like. 

Teach the ‘True and Specific’ Rule 

You can help your child to understand that good compliments have two main parts: they must be true, and they must be specific. General phrases like, ‘Nice job,’ can sometimes sound empty, but specific praise will always sound more genuine. You could say to them, ‘Instead of just saying, “You are smart,” you could try saying, “You explained that idea really clearly,”’ or ‘Instead of, “That is a cool picture,” you could say, “I love the way you have used such bright colours.”’ You can practise this through some fun and simple games, such as describing one nice detail about a person’s outfit, their drawing, or their actions. 

Address the Issue of Tone 

Sometimes, children can turn their compliments into jokes because they feel shy about sounding too earnest. They might say, ‘Ooh, fancy shoes!’, in a teasing tone of voice. You can gently explain to them that while their words might be right, their tone has changed the meaning of what they have said. It can be helpful to role-play some examples with them so that they can hear the difference for themselves. 

Encourage Compliments That Lift Others Up 

Remind your child that a compliment is not about getting one in return; it is about spreading a sense of kindness in the world. You can teach them some simple ways to offer genuine praise in a conversation. 

• ‘That was a really great idea.’ 

• ‘You are very good at building things.’ 

• ‘I like the way you included everyone in your game.’ 

You can explain to them that our kind words are like small gifts; they have the power to brighten another person’s day without taking anything away from our own. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam places a deep emphasis on the importance of good speech, of using words that can uplift, heal, and bring our hearts closer together. The act of giving a genuine compliment is a part of this prophetic character, of speaking what is good, avoiding any form of mockery, and being able to recognise the blessings of Allah in other people. 

Speaking Words That Carry a Sense of Goodness 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Ibraheem (14), Verse 24: 

‘Have you not observed how Allah (Almighty) presents the example of the ‘words of purity’; they are like the untainted tree, that is rooted firmly, and its branches (tower towards) the sky.’ 

This verse beautifully compares our kind words to a flourishing tree. When your child is able to give a real and heartfelt compliment, they are planting one of these ‘good trees’, helping to spread a sense of positivity and trust. Just as a tree is able to offer both shade and fruit, our sincere speech can help to nourish our relationships and our hearts. 

The Prophetic Example of Honest Praise and Appreciation 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, Hadith 216, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘If someone does good to you, then repay them; and if you cannot find anything with which to repay them, then pray for them until you think that you have repaid them.’ 

This hadith teaches us the virtue of recognising and acknowledging the goodness in others. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ always encouraged the believers to express their gratitude and their appreciation with sincerity, not through empty flattery, but from the heart. When your child learns to say something kind and genuine about a friend’s effort or their character, they are practising this beautiful prophetic ethic of appreciation. 

Helping your child to give genuine compliments is about more than just teaching them polite manners; it is a way of shaping their emotional and their spiritual intelligence. They can learn to look for the good in other people, to express their kindness without any mockery, and to speak in a way that builds people up, rather than breaking them down. 

Your own calm coaching, your tone, and your personal example will show them that sincerity does not have to be loud; it can be soft, simple, and yet incredibly strong. Over time, your child will be able to discover that true compliments are not about earning the approval of others, but about reflecting a genuine sense of care. 

When they are able to speak with both honesty and kindness, they will find that their words, like the good tree that Allah describes in the Quran, can take root in people’s hearts, growing into friendships that are nourished by a sense of warmth, trust, and the quiet grace of sincerity.