How can we make clear house rules despite different beliefs about discipline? 

Parenting Perspective 

When parents hold different beliefs about discipline, their children can be left feeling confused, and may even learn how to play one parent against the other. The act of creating clear and consistent house rules helps to protect both your child’s sense of security and your partnership as parents. The key is to first agree on a set of shared values, and to then translate those values into a few simple rules that both of you can stand behind. 

Agree on Your Core Principles First 

Instead of beginning your discussion with specific punishments or methods, it is better to first talk about the values that matter most to you both. These might include respect, safety, honesty, and kindness. These shared values can then become the foundation of all your house rules. 

Choose a Few Non-Negotiable Rules 

It is helpful to keep your house rules short and clear. For example, ‘We always speak to each other respectfully,’ or, ‘We must finish our homework before we have any screen time.’ A handful of consistent and predictable expectations will always work better than dozens of conflicting ones. 

Be Willing to Compromise on Your Differences 

In the areas where your beliefs about discipline may differ, it is important to look for a middle ground. For instance, one parent may prefer the idea of a ‘time-out’, while the other may prefer the removal of certain privileges. It is best to agree to use one of these methods consistently, so that your child always sees a sense of unity between you. 

Present the Rules as a Team 

When you are explaining a new rule to your child, it is important that both parents are present and that you use ‘we’ language, for example, ‘We have decided that…’ This shows your child that you are united in your decision and helps to prevent any confusion. 

Review and Adjust Your Rules Together 

Revisit your house rules regularly as your child grows and circumstances change. If you feel that a particular rule is not working, you can discuss it privately as a couple before you decide to change it. 

By focusing on your shared values, consistency, and a spirit of teamwork, you can protect your child from receiving mixed signals and can instead teach them that love and discipline are designed to work hand in hand. 

Spiritual Insight 

Guidance with Justice and Mercy 

Islam teaches that parents are like shepherds, responsible for guiding their household with both justice and mercy. The act of creating clear rules that are rooted in fairness and unity is a reflection of this sacred trust (amanah). 

The Command to Judge with Justice 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nisa (4), Verses 58: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) commands you to execute all trusts to their rightful owners; and when you (are asked to) judge between people, that you should judge with justice…’ 

This verse reminds us that the discipline we give is a part of our trust, and that a sense of justice must always guide the way we set and enforce our rules. 

Parents as Shepherds of Their Flock 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 5188, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Every one of you is a shepherd, and every one of you will be asked about his flock. A man is a shepherd over his family, and he will be asked about them.’ 

This hadith teaches us that parents share a joint responsibility before Allah. The act of creating unity in the way you guide your children is an essential part of fulfilling that trust. When parents are able to align on their shared values and to present a united front to their children, they are not only creating a secure and stable home, but are also mirroring the justice and responsibility that Islam calls us to. This helps a child to grow with a sense of clarity, respect, and a discipline that is rooted in their faith.