How can they set new boundaries after repair so patterns do not repeat? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a friendship has been repaired after a period of hurt, children can often feel a sense of relief and may want to rush back to how things were before. However, a lasting sense of peace will come not from forgetting about the problem, but from gently reshaping the friendship so that the same negative pattern does not return. Teaching your child how to rebuild a friendship with a sense of clarity, and not just with a sense of caution, can help to turn a moment of reconciliation into one of real and lasting growth. 

Teaching That Repair Requires a Redesign 

You can begin by explaining to your child, ‘Forgiving someone does not always mean that we have to go back to how things were before. It means that we are starting again, but in a wiser way.’ This can help them to see the setting of new boundaries not as a form of punishment, but as a healthy and necessary form of structure. You could also add, ‘A repaired friendship is like a mended bridge. It can hold a lot of weight again, but you should still walk over it with a sense of care.’ 

Helping Them to Identify What Needs to Change 

You can encourage your child to notice what it was that caused them their pain in the first place. Perhaps a friend was teasing them too harshly, was sharing their secrets with others, or was demanding too much of their time. You can talk through which parts of the friendship may need some new limits. You could ask them, ‘What could you do differently next time so that you are still able to feel safe in the friendship?’ You can then guide them to express these new boundaries in a kind but clear way. 

• ‘I am happy to share this with you, but please do not tell anyone else.’ 

• ‘I really like spending time with you, but I also need to have some breaks for myself sometimes.’ 

• ‘If something is upsetting me, I will try to tell you about it straight away so that we can fix it sooner.’ 

Encouraging a Steady Rebuilding of Trust, Not an Instant One 

It is important to explain to your child that a sense of trust, once it has been broken, can often grow back only slowly, like a delicate seed, not like the flicking of a switch. You could say, ‘You can choose to forgive them today, but the feeling of trust may take some more time, and that is okay.’ This can give your child the permission they may need to rebuild the connection at a pace that feels safe for them. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us as believers to combine the quality of rahmah (mercy) with that of hikmah (wisdom). After we have forgiven another person, it is noble for us to guard our own hearts in a wise way, ensuring that our kindness is not an open invitation for us to be harmed again. The act of setting new boundaries after a moment of reconciliation is not a sign of a lack of trust; it is a sign of our gratitude for the lesson that Allah Almighty has allowed us to learn. 

The Quranic Guidance on Forgiveness with Discernment 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verse 159: 

‘So, it is by the mercy from Allah (Almighty) that you (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) are lenient with them; and if you had been harsh (in your speech) or restrained (in your heart), they would have dispersed from around you; so, then pardon them, and ask for their forgiveness (from Allah Almighty); and consult them in all matters (of public administration); then when you have decided (on any matter), then put your reliance upon Allah (Almighty); indeed, Allah (Almighty) loves those who are totally reliant on Him.’ 

This verse beautifully reflects the delicate balance that can be found between a sense of mercy and one of strength. After we have forgiven other people, as believers, we must still try to make thoughtful decisions, acting in a kind way, but also with a sense of our own awareness. 

The Prophetic Example of Wise Compassion 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 1834, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘A believer is not bitten from the same hole twice.’ 

This hadith perfectly captures the essence of a mature sense of forgiveness. The Prophet ﷺ taught us that a true believer is one who is able to forgive without holding on to any sense of hatred, but is also able to learn from an experience without having to forget it. 

Guiding your child to set new boundaries after a moment of repair can help them to transform their act of forgiveness from a purely emotional one into a more thoughtful one. They can learn from these experiences that an act of kindness is not about losing their memory, but about using it in a wise way. 

Your own gentle reassurance can teach them that it is possible for them to love another person without losing their own sense of limits, and that they can reconnect with a friend without having to surrender their own self-respect. 

Over time, they will be able to discover for themselves that a healed friendship can often become stronger, not because nothing ever went wrong, but because both hearts were able to grow in their wisdom as a result of it. When they are able to say, ‘I am glad that we are okay now, but let us just take it slowly this time,’ they will be practising one of the finest lessons of our faith: that a sense of mercy and of wisdom, when they are brought together, are the truest and most beautiful form of strength.