How can parents deal with resentment when younger siblings expect the same independence earlier? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is a natural and common experience for younger siblings to observe their older brother or sister gaining new freedoms, such as getting a personal phone or more social media access, and then expect the same privileges for themselves at an earlier age. When parents refuse, this can lead to feelings of resentment and accusations of being ‘unfair.’ The best way for parents to manage this is to explain the differences clearly, affirm their equal love for each child, and reinforce the idea that independence is earned through readiness, not through simple age comparisons. 

Explain the Principle of Readiness 

Clearly explain to your younger sibling: ‘Your older brother has these freedoms now because he has shown he is ready for them. When you reach that same stage of maturity, you will be given the same opportunities.’ This reassurance helps them to understand that they are not being excluded, but are simply waiting for the right time. 

Reaffirm Equal Love 

It is crucial to make sure the younger child understands that the rules are not a reflection of who is ‘more loved.’ You can say: ‘We love you and your sister equally, but independence must come with responsibility. Our rules are designed to protect you until you are ready for that.’ This clearly separates love from privileges. 

Give Alternative Privileges 

You can help to ease their feelings of being left out by offering different, age-appropriate freedoms that are unique to them. This might include more time for outdoor play, choosing a special family outing, or getting to stay up a little later on a weekend. Providing different privileges for different stages of life reduces feelings of unfairness. 

Praise Patience and Growth 

Actively encourage and praise your younger child’s growing maturity. You could say: ‘When you show us how responsible you are with your current duties, it helps to build our trust for giving you bigger freedoms later on.’ This motivates them to see responsible behaviour as the path to independence. 

By explaining the rules calmly and balancing necessary restrictions with loving affirmation, parents can help to turn a child’s resentment into patience and trust. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam places a great emphasis on fairness in parenting, while also teaching that justice does not always mean identical treatment. True justice means giving each child what is best and most appropriate for them at their particular stage of development. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahl (16), Verses 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah commands justice, good conduct, and giving to relatives, and forbids immorality, bad conduct, and oppression…’ 

This verse reminds us that true justice requires balance and wisdom in every decision we make as parents, ensuring that each choice is beneficial for the child involved. 

It is recorded in Sunan Nisai, Hadith 3687, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and treat your children fairly.’ 

This is a direct command to be fair, but it is understood within the Islamic tradition that fairness must be applied with wisdom, taking into account a child’s individual needs, age, and readiness for responsibility. 

By framing the granting of independence as an amanah (a trust) that comes with maturity, parents can help a younger sibling understand that being asked to wait is not a form of rejection, but an act of protection. Over time, this helps them to learn that true fairness is about being cared for wisely, not about receiving identical freedoms at the identical time.