How can my child apologise without sounding like they are blaming feelings only? 

Parenting Perspective 

When children are taught to apologise, they often default to phrases like, ‘I am sorry if you felt upset,’ or, ‘I did not mean to make you sad.’ While these apologies may be well-intentioned, they place the focus on the other person’s feelings instead of taking responsibility for the action itself. This can make the apology sound half-hearted or even dismissive. As a parent, you can help your child to understand the difference between apologising for someone’s feelings and apologising for their own behaviour. 

Understand Why Children Focus on Feelings 

It is easier for a child to notice the emotions of others than it is to describe their own actions. For example, they may see that their sibling is crying but may struggle to link it directly to their own behaviour. As a result, they say, ‘Sorry you are upset,’ rather than, ‘Sorry I knocked over your tower.’ 

Teach the ‘Two-Part’ Apology 

You can guide your child to move beyond apologising for feelings by teaching them to name their own action as well. A clear and sincere apology has two parts. 

1. Naming the action: What they did wrong. 

2. Acknowledging the impact: How it made the other person feel. 

For example: ‘I am sorry that I grabbed the toy from you. That was not fair, and I can see that it has upset you.’ 

Provide Scripts for Different Situations 

You can offer your child some ready-made sentences so they feel better equipped in the moment. 

• After breaking something: ‘I am sorry that I broke your model. I should have been more careful.’ 

• After using unkind words: ‘I am sorry I called you that name. It was a hurtful thing to say.’ 

• After excluding a friend: ‘I am sorry I did not let you play. That was not fair to you.’ 

Practise Through Role-Play 

Role-playing is one of the best tools for learning this skill. You can pretend to be the hurt sibling or friend and encourage your child to practise. For example: 

Parent: ‘You hurt my feelings when you shouted at me.’ 

Child: ‘I am sorry that I shouted at you. That was wrong, and I can see it made you feel upset.’ 

Explain Clearly Why It Matters 

Children respond well to clear, cause-and-effect logic. You can say: ‘When you apologise for your action, it shows the other person that you understand what went wrong. When you only say sorry for their feelings, it can sometimes sound like you do not think you did anything wrong.’ 

Praise Their Sense of Responsibility 

When your child uses a responsible apology that owns their action, be sure to acknowledge it: ‘I really liked the way you said exactly what you did wrong. That was a very mature and honest thing to do.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

By guiding your child to apologise with responsibility, you are shaping their ability to repair relationships with sincerity. Linking this skill to the Quran and the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ helps them to see that apologising truthfully is not just a social etiquette, but a part of their faith and sense of justice. 

Owning Mistakes Is a Part of Truthfulness 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nisa (4), Verse 135: 

‘O you who are believers, remain upright in upholding justice, bearing witness (to such actions) for the sake of Allah (Almighty); even if it goes against your own interest, or that of your parents, or your close relatives…’ 

This verse reminds us that honesty includes being able to admit when we ourselves are in the wrong. Helping your child to apologise by naming their own action, not just the other person’s feelings, is a form of training them in the justice that Allah commands. 

Clear Responsibility Is a Mark of Good Character 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 3559, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The most complete of the believers in faith are those with the best character.’ 

This hadith shows that good manners are a sign of a strong faith. Teaching a child to apologise clearly and responsibly helps to build their character in line with the prophetic guidance. An apology that owns a mistake, rather than shifting the focus onto feelings, is a form of integrity that reflects true faith. 

Over time, your child will learn that taking ownership of their actions is what brings respect, heals friendships, and is ultimately what is most pleasing to Allah.