How can I teach my child to ask before borrowing?

Parenting Perspective

Teaching a child to ask for permission before borrowing something is a lesson that certainly tests a parent’s patience. Whether it is a sibling’s felt tip, a parent’s phone, or a friend’s toy, many children act first and think later. This behaviour is not always a sign of disrespect; it often stems from a simple prioritisation of desire over consideration. Instilling this principle is about shaping their conscience, not just enforcing control. You are nurturing empathy, respect for boundaries, and the moral understanding that seeking permission protects relationships.

Understanding the Impulsive Nature of Children

Children often borrow things on impulse because they live completely in the moment. Their thinking is often, ‘I will just use it quickly’ or ‘They will not mind’. To them, borrowing without asking can feel harmless. Instead of labelling this behaviour as ‘naughty’, it is more effective to help them understand its impact.

You could explain, ‘When you use something without asking, it can make the other person feel invisible, as if their belongings and feelings do not matter.’ This approach shifts the focus from simple rule-breaking to genuine emotional empathy, helping the lesson settle in the heart, not just the mind.

Linking Actions to Emotional Consequences

Connect the act of taking without permission to real emotional outcomes. You can guide your child’s understanding with questions that encourage them to reflect, such as, ‘How would you feel if someone borrowed your favourite toy without asking you first?’

Allow your child to describe the feeling of discomfort. When they can name the emotion, they begin to internalise the moral logic: asking builds trust, while assuming can break it.

Providing a Simple Permission Script

Sometimes, children do not ask because they are unsure what to say. Provide them with short, clear phrases they can use in any situation:

‘Can I borrow this, please?’

‘Is it okay if I use this for a little while?’

‘May I play with this and return it when I am finished?’

Practise using these scripts during calm moments to build confidence. You could say, ‘Pretend you want to use your sister’s notebook. How would you ask her?’ When they respond correctly, affirm their effort: ‘Perfect. Asking like that shows respect, and it makes people happy to share.’ This kind of role-play helps good manners become muscle memory.

Applying Consistent and Calm Correction

When your child forgets to ask, it is important to respond firmly but without anger. A calm and direct approach works best.

You might say, ‘I see you have used this without asking. What should you have said first?’ Let them correct themselves and try again. This immediate practice helps to connect the mistake with the right behaviour, reinforcing the lesson in the moment. Avoid lengthy explanations or lectures; gentle and consistent repetition is what transforms lessons into lasting habits.

Modelling the Behaviour You Expect

Children are natural imitators of the behaviour they observe around them. Make a point of asking for permission yourself, even for shared items.

For example, asking your child, ‘Is it alright if I borrow your pen for a second?’ demonstrates that courtesy is a mutual value, not a hierarchical one. It teaches them that everyone, including parents, should respect the property and feelings of others.

Establishing a Family Agreement

Incorporate the ‘ask before borrowing’ rule into a shared household code of conduct. You could write it down and display it somewhere visible, framing it as a positive family value rather than a list of rules and punishments.

For instance: ‘Our Family Rule: We always ask before we borrow because respect builds trust.’ This turns the lesson into a collective commitment rather than a command directed only at the children.

Reinforcing Success with Praise

When you notice your child remembering to ask for permission, acknowledge it with genuine praise.

A simple comment like, ‘I really liked how you asked before taking that. It shows how much you care about others,’ can be very effective. Positive attention reinforces good behaviour far more successfully than scolding ever could.

Spiritual Insight

The act of asking for permission is a principle deeply rooted in Islamic manners, or adab. It extends beyond being a simple social courtesy; it is a profound form of respect that protects the dignity and harmony of a family and the wider community. Islam teaches us that even when our intentions are good, our actions must always be guided by respect for others.

The Quranic Principle of Seeking Permission

This principle of seeking leave is foundational to a peaceful society. It fosters an environment of trust and safety, where individuals feel their personal space and belongings are honoured.

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nur (24), Verses 27:

‘O you who have believed, do not enter houses other than your own until you ask permission and give salam to their people. That is better for you; perhaps you will be reminded…’

This verse teaches that seeking permission is an element of mindfulness (taqwa). Its purpose is not to create barriers but to foster trust. Teaching your child to ask before borrowing mirrors this divine guidance perfectly. It encourages them to act with awareness instead of assumption and to value the rights of others as they do their own.

The Prophetic Example of Respectful Conduct

The teachings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ provide a complete model for respectful conduct, emphasising the importance of minding one’s own affairs and respecting the boundaries of others. This principle is a cornerstone of good character.

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 3976, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

‘Part of a person’s being a good Muslim is his leaving alone that which does not concern him.’

This hadith captures the essence of respecting boundaries. When a child learns not to touch or take something without asking, they are putting this Prophetic principle into practice by choosing mindfulness over impulse. This is not just about good manners; it is a sign of developing spiritual maturity.

When your child learns to ask before borrowing, they are learning far more than simple politeness. They are learning to honour the feelings of others, to practise patience, and to build the foundations of trust. These are lessons that will shape every friendship and relationship they form in the future.

Each time they pause to ask, they are training both their heart and their tongue to act with consideration. They begin to understand that respect makes life smoother, calmer, and filled with goodwill.

Over time, what begins as a household rule will become a natural part of their identity. The instinct to act with empathy and awareness will guide their actions. When asking for permission becomes a habit, your child carries within them a quiet reflection of Islamic adab: the beauty of doing what is right, even in the smallest of moments, for the sake of Allah Almighty and for the peace of those around them.