How can I stop relatives from comparing our parenting styles? 

Parenting Perspective 

Relatives may sometimes make comments that compare your parenting styles, perhaps praising one of you while criticising the other, often without realising the harm that this can cause. These kinds of comparisons can create unnecessary tension between you, can weaken your sense of unity, and can leave your child feeling confused. To put a stop to this, you will need a few calm strategies that allow you to maintain your respect for your relatives, while at the same time protecting your own parenting bond. 

`

Set Clear and Kind Boundaries 

When a relative makes a comment like, ‘She is far too soft with him,’ or, ‘He is being too strict,’ you can respond in a way that is both gentle and decisive. A simple phrase such as, ‘We are working together as a team to do what we feel is best for our child,’ can be very effective. This helps to set a clear boundary without needing to be confrontational. 

Present a United Front in Public 

It is important to avoid contradicting each other in front of your relatives. Even if you may have different views that you need to discuss in private, it is best to show a sense of solidarity in public so that there is no opening for any unhelpful comparisons to be made. 

Redirect the Conversation 

If your relatives continue to make comparisons, you can shift the topic of conversation by saying something like, ‘Every family is different, but we are very grateful for the way that ours works together.’ This simple act can prevent any further criticism from taking root. 

Involve Them in Positive Ways 

You can invite your relatives to support your child in neutral and helpful ways, such as by sharing family stories, teaching cultural traditions, or enjoying meals together. This can help them to feel included and valued, without feeling that they need to interfere in your parenting decisions. 

Refocus the Conversation on Your Child’s Well-being 

Remind your relatives that your ultimate goal is to raise a child who is confident and secure, not to engage in a competition over parenting styles. Bringing the focus back to the needs of the child can often help to soften any unhelpful comparisons. 

By consistently showing your unity and redirecting these kinds of comparisons, you can protect your child and strengthen your parenting partnership, while at the same time continuing to honour your family ties. 

Spiritual Insight 

Kindness to Relatives and Protecting Unity 

Islam encourages us to show kindness to our relatives, but it also warns us against using words that can sow division. Protecting the unity within your home is a part of fulfilling your sacred trust (amanah) before Allah. 

The Command to Speak with Justice 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Ahzaab (33), Verses 70: 

‘O those of you, who are believers, seek piety from Allah (Almighty) and always speak with words of blatant accuracy.’ 

This verse reminds us that we should use speech that brings fairness and prevents division, even when we are responding to our own relatives. 

The Duty to Protect from Harmful Words 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 10, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘A Muslim is the one from whose tongue and hands the Muslims are safe.’ 

This hadith teaches us that safeguarding others from harmful words is a mark of a true and sincere faith, and this includes protecting your spouse from the comparisons of your relatives. By setting respectful boundaries, redirecting any criticism, and speaking with a sense of justice, you can honour your relatives while at the same time ensuring that your child grows up in a home that is defined by unity, respect, and love.