Parenting Perspective 

It is a deeply unsettling experience to hear your own harsh words coming from your child’s mouth during a moment of frustration. This can trigger feelings of guilt and helplessness, but it is vital to view this as an opportunity for repair and growth. Children are astute observers who replicate the behaviours they witness, especially in emotionally charged situations. The encouraging truth is that by addressing this pattern directly, you can break the cycle and cultivate a healthier way of communicating within your family. 

Acknowledge the Behaviour and Its Impact 

Before change can happen, you must first understand the dynamic at play. 

• Recognise the Emotional Cycle: Your expression of frustration directly models how your child learns to manage their own. Acknowledging this connection can help you move past guilt and focus on constructive solutions. Your behaviour is the mirror, and now you have the chance to change the reflection. 

• Understand the Root Causes: Take a moment to examine the underlying stressors in your own life. Are you overwhelmed, tired, or under pressure? Addressing these external factors is a critical step in managing your own stress, which in turn reduces the likelihood of you responding harshly. 

Taking Responsibility and Leading by Example 

Repair begins with humility and a genuine effort to model the behaviour you wish to see. 

• Apologise and Take Responsibility: Openly admit your mistake to your child. Saying something like, ‘I have noticed that I speak harshly when I am frustrated, and I am truly sorry for that,’ teaches your child the power of accountability. It shows them that admitting fault is a sign of strength. 

• Show Empathy: Let your child know you understand why they have adopted a similar tone. This validates their feelings and removes any shame they might feel, creating a safe space for them to learn a new way of communicating. 

Replacing the Harsh Tone with Healthier Habits 

Alongside your apology, you must actively introduce and practise constructive alternatives. 

• Model Positive Communication: In moments of frustration, make a conscious choice to speak calmly. If needed, take a few seconds to breathe before you respond. By demonstrating self-control, you provide a powerful, real-time lesson for your child. 

• Introduce Emotional Regulation Techniques: Equip your child with simple tools to manage their frustration. Practices like deep breathing, counting to ten, or taking a short break can help both of you navigate stress without resorting to harsh words. 

• Reinforce Positive Behaviour: When your child successfully manages their frustration or speaks calmly, offer immediate and sincere praise. Positive reinforcement is a key motivator for them to continue using these healthier emotional skills. 

Patience and Consistency 

Changing an ingrained habit is a gradual process. Be patient with yourself and your child as you both learn and adapt. With consistent effort, your child will learn to regulate their reactions, understanding that everyone, including adults, has the capacity to grow and improve. Through this journey, you are not just repairing a habit but are also teaching invaluable life lessons in emotional maturity. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam guides us to maintain kindness and patience in our speech, seeing it as a reflection of our inner state and moral duty. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Aa’raaf (7), Verse 199: 

‘ (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) adopt a forgiving approach, and encourage (the doing of) positive (moral) actions, and disregard those who are imbued in their ignorance.‘ 

This verse serves as a powerful reminder to uphold our best character even when provoked or frustrated. Turning away from ignorance includes turning away from our own ignorant reactions, such as harshness, and choosing a response rooted in goodness and forbearance. 

Our tradition places immense value on mercy, not just in action but also in speech. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1924, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever is not merciful to others, will not be shown mercy.’ 

This profound hadith teaches that our words should reflect the mercy we hope to receive from Allah. Speaking with gentleness, especially to our children during moments of stress, is an embodiment of this core Islamic value. By internalising these teachings, we learn to see patience and kindness as essential acts of worship that nurture compassionate and emotionally intelligent children.