How can I rebuild a child’s confidence after a public scolding at a gathering?

Parenting Perspective

A public scolding can place a child in a spotlight of shame, the emotional impact of which can linger long after an event is over. Your role as a parent is to protect their dignity, help them regulate their emotions, and reframe the incident truthfully to restore their courage. This can be achieved in three phases: soothing them in the moment, repairing the situation the same day, and restoring their confidence over the following week.

Phase One: Soothe Immediately

The first priority is to create a sense of safety, which allows a child’s body to calm down before any learning can take place.

• Change the scene: Move a few steps away from others. If necessary, invite your child to get a glass of water with you to create a natural break.
• Anchor their safety: Use a low voice and a soft expression to reassure them: ‘You are safe with me. We will sort this out kindly.’
• Regulate their body: Guide them through three slow breaths. Offer them a drink of water or a small snack. Once a child is physically calm, their mind is better able to process the situation.

Phase Two: Repair and Uphold Standards

Later, when you are in a quiet space, you can address the incident itself. This stage is about separating the behaviour from the child’s identity.

• Acknowledge what happened: Name the event without using labels. For example: ‘Uncle’s voice was sharp in front of everyone, and that must have felt difficult.’
• Separate identity from action: Reassure your child directly: ‘You are not a bad person. We will still address what went wrong, but we will do it kindly and in private.’
• Maintain firm standards: If a family rule was broken, apply your usual calm consequence. ‘Our rule is to use kind words. You will apologise to your cousin after tea and then help to tidy for three minutes.’ This teaches that accountability exists without humiliation.

Phase Three: Restore Confidence Over Time

True confidence is rebuilt through small, consistent efforts that provide tangible proof of a child’s capability and worth.

• Create a ‘confidence bank’: Each day, notice and mention one steady effort they have made. This could be, ‘You greeted your grandmother kindly today,’ or ‘You asked for a pause before you became upset.’ Write these observations on small notes and collect them in a jar to make their growth visible.
• Practise for difficult moments: Briefly role-play the situation that caused the issue. Coach them in a simple response for next time, such as: ‘I want to listen. Please could you say it more softly?’ Keeping the practice short and successful builds readiness.
• Assign dignifying jobs: At the next family gathering, give your child a pro-social role that allows them to feel capable and helpful. This could be serving snacks, organising a game, or announcing the time for prayer. Purposeful roles can heal feelings of powerlessness.

Advocating with the Other Adult

It is important to address the issue with the adult who was harsh, but this should be done later and away from the child. Use a quiet, repeatable boundary: ‘We want your guidance to be effective. When correction happens publicly, our child is unable to learn from it. If you see something concerning, please just say “enough now,” and I will handle it privately.’ The goal is not to demand an apology but to build a safer pattern for the future.

Preparing Your Child for Future Gatherings

Equip your child with phrases that protect their dignity without being disrespectful.

• ‘I am listening. Please can you say it more softly?’
• ‘I want to fix it. Can we please talk about it later, not here?’

Practise these lines in a light-hearted tone at home so the words feel natural to them before a difficult moment arises.

Spiritual Insight

Mercy That Rebuilds After a Stumble

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verses 139:

‘And do not weaken (seeing the strength of the opposition), and do not grieve (for those who have passed away as martyrs); and ultimately you will prevail, if you are (true) believers.’

This verse reminds us that a single painful moment does not define us. We are called to rise again with faith, not to be crushed by embarrassment. You can share this with your child: ‘We do not let one harsh moment make us feel small. We rise with truth, we repair what we can, and we maintain our trust in Allah Almighty.’ Reading this verse together before the next family visit can help to set a hopeful and resilient tone.

Compassion as the Path to Strength

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, 95, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

‘He who does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.’

This teaching establishes mercy as essential. It is the path through which hearts heal and positive change occurs. When you shield your child, correct them privately, and guide them towards repair, you are practising a form of mercy that restores dignity and invites the mercy of Allah Almighty upon your home.

You can end your debrief with a shared intention: ‘O Allah, place calm in our hearts, truth on our tongues, and courage in our steps.’ Link this worship to action by helping your child think of one small, good deed they can do at the next gathering. In this way, a public scolding can become a lesson in repentance (tawbah) and growth. Your child learns that their ultimate worth rests with Allah Almighty, that mistakes lead to repair rather than humiliation, and that confidence is restored through mercy, responsibility, and steady guidance.