How can I praise progress without feeding fear of losing approval?

Parenting Perspective

Some children can become dependent on praise because they interpret it as proof that your love for them is secure. When the praise stops, their anxiety can rise. Your aim should be to affirm their genuine growth while teaching them that their worth is stable, and that it is their effort that moves their skills forward. This can be achieved by shifting the focus of your praise from approval of the child to information about their learning process, and by pairing every compliment with a clear, next tiny step.

Separate Love from Performance

Begin with a statement that anchors their sense of belonging.

• ‘My love for you does not go up and down with your school marks. I am noticing your effort because that is how we all learn and grow.’

This helps to protect their heart so that feedback does not feel like a risk to the relationship.

Use ‘Process Praise’, Not ‘Person Praise’

Swap vague, global labels for specific observations about your child’s strategy, effort, and improvement.

• Person praise: ‘You are so clever.’
• Process praise: ‘You reread the question and found the key word. That was a great strategy.’

Process praise teaches a repeatable method. It tells the brain what to do again in the future, without making parental approval the main prize.

Use a ‘Specific, Impact, Progress, and Step’ Format

Keep your praise brief, specific, and useful, and then add one next move.

• Specific: Name the exact behaviour you noticed.
• Impact: Say what that behaviour achieved.
• Progress: Highlight how this is an improvement on what they did before.
• Step: Give them one tiny, achievable next action.

For example: ‘You slowed your hand on the down-strokes of your letters. That has made them much clearer than yesterday. For the next word, let us try to keep the tails below the line.’

Pair Compliments with a Sense of Ownership

After you have offered some praise, ask a short, reflective question to move the sense of power and control back to your child.

• ‘What did you do that helped you here?’
• ‘Which of those steps would you repeat next time?’

A sense of ownership helps to shrink their need for approval because they begin to hear their own plan, not just your verdict.

Spiritual Insight

We want our children to seek the pleasure of Allah through their sincere efforts, not to live their lives hungry for people’s approval. Islam gently reorients the heart towards our intention and our steady deeds, which is exactly what process-based praise encourages.

The Value of Every Small Effort

This verse is a powerful reminder that every small effort counts with Allah, even when no one else is clapping. When you notice one careful line, one reread instruction, or one brave start, you are teaching your child to value the tiny good deeds that Allah will one day show them, rather than living for the fluctuating approval of human beings.

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Zalzalah (99), Verses 7–8:

‘Thus, everyone’s actions equivalent to the measurement of an atom that is good shall be observed by them (on the Day of Judgment). And everyone’s actions equivalent to the measurement of an atom that is wicked shall be observed by them (on the Day of Judgment).’

The Importance of Intention and Action

This teaching shows that our sincerity and our actions outweigh our appearance and any applause we might receive. In our parenting, we should aim to praise the heart’s intention and the process of the deed: the care, the honesty, and the effort. We should avoid inflating the ego with grand titles or making our love feel conditional upon outcomes.

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2564, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

‘Allah does not look at your forms or your wealth, but He looks at your hearts and your deeds.’

You can end these sessions with a quiet family reflection: we try our best with sincerity, we improve with small steps, and we ask Allah to accept our efforts. Your steady, process-focused praise then becomes an act of spiritual training (tarbiyah). It helps to anchor your child’s self-worth in what Allah values, it keeps their courage alive when their work is imperfect, and it helps to grow a character that seeks excellence with humility and hope.