How can I involve the child in deciding a meaningful restitution step? 

Parenting Perspective 

Involving your child in the process of deciding a meaningful restitution step is a powerful way to teach responsibility, empathy, and the importance of making things right. It also empowers the child, making them feel heard and involved in their own healing process. By giving them agency in the decision, you demonstrate that they are not only the recipient of an apology but also an active participant in restoring the relationship. 

Acknowledge the Harm and Discuss the Impact 

Before involving your child in the restitution process, start by acknowledging the harm caused. It is important to recognise the impact of your actions and give them space to express their feelings. 

• Ask open-ended questions like: 

• ‘What do you think would help make things better?’ 

• ‘Is there something you would like me to do to fix this?’ 

• ‘How can I show you that I am sorry and want to make it right?’ 

Offer Choices for Restitution 

Once the child has expressed their feelings, offer them options for how restitution could be made. These options should be simple, age-appropriate, and meaningful. 

• Examples: 

• If the harm involved breaking something, offer to repair or replace it. 

• If the harm was emotional, offer suggestions such as spending quality time together. 

• For broken promises, offer to set up a plan to follow through on commitments. 

This step allows the child to feel involved in the process and gives them the opportunity to think about what would help them feel more secure. 

Empower the Child to Decide 

After presenting options, give your child the freedom to choose what feels most meaningful to them. For example, you might say, ‘Out of the choices I have given you, which one would help you feel better?’ 

• Why it works: This empowers the child to take ownership of the resolution, making it feel more personal and genuine. It also gives them a sense of control in repairing the relationship. 

Follow Through and Show Consistency 

Once your child has made their decision, ensure that you follow through with the restitution step as promised. This demonstrates that you respect their choice and are committed to repairing the harm done. 

• Why it matters: Consistency is key in showing the child that restitution is more than just words; it is about taking action and showing through your behaviour that you are sincere. 

Reinforce the Learning Experience 

After the restitution has been made, take a moment to discuss the process with your child. Reinforce the lesson that making mistakes is part of life, but the important thing is to take responsibility. 

• What to say: You could say, ‘I am really proud of how we worked together to fix the situation. It shows that we can always make things right and learn from our mistakes.’ 

This reinforces the idea that restitution is not just about fixing what was broken, but about growing as individuals. 

Spiritual Insight 

The Capacity for Growth and Healing 

The noble Quran reminds us that Allah, in His mercy, does not place burdens on us that we cannot handle. When we cause harm, the process of making amends is within our ability. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verse 286: 

‘ Allah (Almighty) does not place any burden on any human being except that which is within his capacity…’ 

By involving our children in the restitution process, we show them that Allah has equipped us with the strength and wisdom to fix what we have done wrong. 

The Importance of Sincere Repentance 

The teachings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ tell us that sincere repentance is part of our spiritual growth. When we harm others, especially our children, seeking forgiveness and actively working to make things right is a reflection of humility. 

It is recorded in Musnad Ahmad, Hadith 1085, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The best of those who make mistakes are those who repent and seek forgiveness from Allah.’ 

By involving your child in the restitution process, you are demonstrating not only your own repentance but also teaching them the value of acknowledging mistakes.