How can I hold calmness when my child bites or hits after hearing no? 

Parenting Perspective 

Few things can unsettle a parent more than being hit or bitten by their own child. The instinctive reaction in that moment may be one of shock, of anger, or even of a deep sense of hurt. You may find yourself thinking, ‘My child should know better than that.’ In reality, however, the acts of biting or of hitting are not usually a sign of a calculated defiance on their part; they are often an immature emotional outburst. Young children, especially when they are under a great deal of stress or frustration, can use their physical actions to express the feelings that they do not yet have the words to verbalise. Your own calmness in these moments does not have to mean that you are being weak; it can in fact be a sign of your great wisdom. 

Understanding the Behaviour 

When a child bites or hits another person after being refused something, it is usually a form of a fight-or-flight reaction. The word ‘no’ can trigger a feeling of frustration or of powerlessness, and their still-developing brain can become flooded with a powerful emotion. Because they are not yet able to manage those feelings or to express them through the use of their words, their body can react in an impulsive way. Understanding this can help you to see beyond their immediate behaviour. Your child is not trying to be cruel; they are simply struggling to cope. 

Responding Without Reacting 

When a child hits or bites, your own reaction to it is what can shape the outcome of the situation, far more than their initial action ever could. It is important to remain steady. You can step back from them if you need to in order to protect yourself, and then take a slow, deep breath. Your own calm face and your gentle tone of voice can communicate to your child that you are still in control, even when they may not be. You can then address the behaviour in a firm but gentle way: ‘I will not let you hit me. That can hurt. I know that you are feeling angry right now, but we must always try to use our gentle hands.’ 

Teaching an Emotional Expression 

After the immediate moment has passed and a sense of calm has returned, you can help your child to better understand their own feelings. You could say, ‘You were feeling so angry because I said no to you, and it is okay to feel that way. However, hurting another person is not okay. Next time, you can try to tell me, “I am feeling angry!”, or you can try stamping your feet instead.’ This can help to shift their behaviour from one of aggression to one of communication. Over time, your child will be able to learn for themselves that expressing their emotions with their words can bring them a sense of comfort and of connection, while an act of aggression will only ever bring with it a sense of limits and of separation. 

Spiritual Insight 

Moments when a child lashes out in a physical way can be a test for even the most patient of parents. However, Islam teaches us that the qualities of mercy, of patience, and of composure are the highest and most beautiful forms of strength. When you are able to resist the urge to react with your own anger, and can choose to act from a place of compassion instead, you are not only nurturing your child; you are also embodying the spiritual qualities that are so deeply loved by Allah. 

The Quranic Emphasis on Patience and Self-Control 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verse 146: 

‘…And Allah (Almighty) loves those who are resilient.’ 

This simple but profound truth lies at the very heart of every parenting challenge we may face. When you are able to control your own anger and to act with a sense of patience, you are aligning yourself with the divine love of Allah. Each and every moment that you are able to restrain your own voice and to guide your child with a sense of gentleness can become an act of worship in itself. 

The Prophetic Example of Tenderness Towards Children’s Behaviour 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 355, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He is not one of us who does not show mercy to our young ones, nor honour to our elders.’ 

This hadith beautifully illustrates that a sense of mercy must always be the foundation of our discipline. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ never struck a child, nor did he ever react to them with anger, even when he may have been faced with an act of disobedience. His own beautiful calmness was a model of an emotional mastery that was rooted in a deep and sincere compassion. 

When your child hits or bites, they are not showing you their defiance; they are showing you their distress. Your own calmness in that moment is what can teach them what true strength really looks like: not a sense of control over other people, but a sense of control over our own selves. You are showing them that your love for them can remain steady, even when their own behaviour may falter. 

Each and every time that you are able to choose a sense of calm over one of retaliation, you are helping to build a greater sense of trust between you and are helping to shape a more peaceful and a more loving home. Over time, your child will learn that their strong emotions do not have to become a form of aggression, because they will have seen a sense of true patience being modelled for them in you. 

So, when their little hands do strike out or their little teeth may try to bite, you can take a deep breath and remember that this is your chance to teach them through your own sense of grace. Your own restraint is a reflection of the very mercy of Allah Himself: quiet, powerful, and deeply transformative. Through it, your child will one day be able to learn that a true sense of calm is not the absence of a feeling of anger, but the mastery of it, through a sense of both love and of faith.