How can I help them pause before lending money or prized items? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children who have generous hearts will often lend their things to others quite easily, whether it is money, toys, stationery, or their most prized possessions, simply because the act of showing kindness can feel good. However, a sense of generosity that is not accompanied by a degree of thought can sometimes lead to feelings of regret or of resentment. When a borrowed item is not returned, is broken, or is misused, your child may be left feeling hurt or even taken advantage of. Helping them to learn to pause before they lend something does not have to make them less kind; it can make them more wise and more self-respecting in their choices. 

Teaching the Art of Thoughtful Generosity 

It is important to begin by affirming your child’s good intention. You could say, ‘It is so lovely that you always want to help your friends. That shows that you have a very caring heart.’ You can then gently guide their reflection by adding, ‘Part of helping people is to think about it first. It is possible to be both kind and careful at the same time.’ This framing can help to turn their natural hesitation into a form of thoughtfulness, not of stinginess. 

Encourage Them to Adopt a ‘Pause and Think’ Habit 

You can teach your child to go through a simple, internal checklist before they agree to lend anything to another person. 

• Do I need this item back soon? 

• Will I be able to handle it if it does not come back? 

• Is this person usually responsible with my things? 

You can phrase this in a simple way for them: ‘Before you say yes to lending something, just take a breath and ask yourself, “Will I feel okay about this either way?”’ This quick mental pause can help to shift their act of lending from one of impulse to one of clear intention. 

Help Them to Use Polite but Clear Boundaries 

If your child decides that they do not want to lend a particular item, you can equip them with some kind yet clear language to use. 

• ‘I would rather keep this one with me. It is very special to me.’ 

• ‘I am sorry, but I do not usually lend this one out to people.’ 

• ‘I can share something else with you instead if you would like.’ 

These statements can help them to protect both their belongings and their friendships at the same time, by showing a sense of respect without the need for an apology. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam encourages a spirit of generosity, while also teaching a sense of responsibility with our own possessions. The act of giving is a great virtue, but it should always be balanced with a sense of wisdom and of trustworthiness. Lending to others can be a noble act when it is done in a thoughtful and sincere way, not from a sense of guilt or of social pressure. 

The Quranic Call for a Responsible Approach to Giving 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 29: 

‘And do not place your hands, as if they are chained to your neck (i.e. choking at the prospect of giving wealth); and do not extend (your pocket) to its upper limit (i.e. giving away all your wealth), so that you end up sitting (in a position of) blame (as reckless by your dependents) and bankrupt.’ 

This verse teaches us the importance of moderation, to neither withhold our wealth entirely nor to give it away without any measure. Helping your child to apply this sense of balance means that you are guiding them to be generous, but not to be reckless; to be open-hearted, but not to be naïve. 

The Prophetic Example of Cautious Generosity 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 2387, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever takes the wealth of people intending to repay it, Allah will repay it on his behalf; and whoever takes it intending to destroy it, Allah will destroy him.’ 

This hadith reminds us that the acts of borrowing and of lending are both a form of trust (amanah) before Allah Almighty. When your child is able to lend their things in a thoughtful way, they are fulfilling this sense of responsibility in a trust. When they decide not to lend something because it feels unwise to do so, they are protecting that same trust with a sense of discernment. 

Teaching your child to pause before they lend something to another person can help them to build both their character and their confidence. They can learn from these experiences that true generosity is not about saying ‘yes’ to everything; it is about giving with a clear and sincere intention. 

Your own calm guidance can help them to see that an act of kindness can work best when it is paired with a sense of thoughtfulness. They can come to understand for themselves that every gift or loan is a small test of our wisdom, of knowing when to offer, when to wait, and when to say ‘no’ in a polite and respectful way. 

In the end, this sense of balance between their heart and their judgment will stay with them for the rest of their lives. They will be able to grow into a person whose kindness shines not in their impulsive giving, but in their measured and meaningful generosity.