How can I help my child balance kindness to others with kindness to self? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children are often taught to ‘be kind’ by sharing their toys, helping their friends, and listening to their parents. While this is a vital lesson, they can sometimes begin to believe that kindness always means saying yes, even when they feel tired, upset, or uncomfortable. Without guidance, this can lead to children feeling overwhelmed or taken for granted. True kindness must also include kindness to oneself, and as a parent, you can help your child to see that both go hand in hand. 

Teach That Self-Kindness Is Not Selfishness 

Start by clarifying that caring for oneself is not the opposite of caring for others; in fact, it is the foundation. You could say: ‘If you are kind to yourself by resting when you are tired or speaking up when something feels wrong, then you will have more energy and love to share with other people.’ 

Use the ‘Cup of Kindness’ Analogy 

Children often understand concepts better through simple, visual analogies. 

• ‘Imagine that all of your kindness is like a cup of water. If you pour it all out for others without ever refilling it, your cup will become empty. Resting, playing, and looking after your feelings are the ways you fill your cup again so you can keep sharing with others.’ 

This helps them to see that balance is a necessity, not a choice. 

Encourage Polite Boundaries 

Coach your child in how to say no kindly and respectfully when they need to. Role-play these moments at home so they feel more confident setting boundaries without feeling guilty. 

• ‘I would like to help you, but I just need to have a rest first.’ 

• ‘I can share that with you later, when I am feeling a little calmer.’ 

Praise Both Types of Kindness 

When your child shares or helps someone, be sure to praise their generosity. At the same time, make a point of praising them when they take care of themselves wisely. For example: ‘I really liked how you told me you needed a break before finishing your homework. That shows you are listening to your body and looking after yourself.’ 

Mini Dialogue Example 

Child: ‘I do not want to play right now, but I do not want to make my friend sad.’ 

Parent: ‘That shows what a very kind heart you have. You can be kind to your friend and kind to yourself at the same time. You could say, “I need a little rest now, but I would love to play with you later.” That way, you are caring for both of you.’ 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam places great value on kindness towards all of creation, but it also emphasises the importance of moderation and balance in all things. Children can be taught that caring for themselves is part of looking after the trust (amanah) that Allah has given them, while kindness to others is a reflection of a noble character. 

Balance in Life and Worship 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verse 195: 

‘And expend (your wealth) in the pathway of Allah (Almighty), and do not let your actions place you in a (state of) destruction (by being miserly); and be benevolent, indeed, Allah (Almighty) loves those who are benevolent.’ 

This verse reminds us that while goodness is beloved to Allah, we are also warned against neglecting ourselves to the point of harm. A child can learn from this: ‘Allah wants me to be kind to other people and also to look after myself, because both are a part of goodness.’ 

Mercy Begins with Oneself 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4941, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Show mercy to those on earth, and the One above the heavens will show mercy to you.’ 

You can explain this beautiful hadith to your child by saying: ‘Mercy means being gentle and kind, both to others and to yourself. When you take time to rest, speak kindly to yourself, and then treat others well, Allah shows you even more of His mercy in return.’ 

By weaving together the concepts of kindness to others and kindness to self, you help your child to understand that both are acts of faith. They learn that maintaining balance is not selfishness but a form of wisdom, and that caring for themselves makes their kindness towards others stronger and more sincere.