How can I coach them to shake hands even if they feel upset? 

Parenting Perspective 

For a child overwhelmed by the sting of a loss, shaking hands with an opponent can feel like the hardest thing to do. They might feel embarrassed, hurt, or angry, and the idea of congratulating someone else can seem deeply unfair. Yet, teaching this small act of sportsmanship is a powerful way to build character. It develops respect, self-control, and emotional maturity. The handshake becomes more than a mere gesture; it is a practical lesson in dignity. 

Normalise the Expectation 

Explain to your child that shaking hands is not about denying their feelings but about showing respect for the game and the other players: 

• ‘We can feel disappointed on the inside, but we can still show good manners on the outside.’ 

• ‘The handshake simply means “thank you for the game”, not “I enjoyed losing”.’ 

By separating their feelings from their behaviour, you help them understand that they can feel upset but still act respectfully. 

Practise the Gesture at Home 

Children learn best through rehearsal and repetition. You can role-play at home by pretending to lose a board game and then shaking hands with a smile. Switch roles and have them practise too. Praise their effort, even if the smile is a small one: 

• ‘I know that was difficult, but you did it. That shows real strength.’ 

This practice helps build muscle memory, preparing them for real-life situations. 

What to Say in the Moment 

When you see them hesitate after a match, guide them gently but firmly: 

• ‘I know you are upset, but we always finish a game with a handshake.’ 

• ‘It is a sign of respect for the other team, and I know you can do it.’ 

• If needed, stand beside them and model the behaviour yourself: ‘Well played, thank you.’ 

Your calm and steady tone will help them manage their own emotions without feeling shamed or forced into it. 

Reinforce the Value Afterwards 

After the game, when things are calm again, talk with empathy and praise their character: 

• ‘That felt hard, did it not? But you shook hands anyway. That shows real courage.’ 

• Highlight the long-term benefits: ‘People will respect you far more when they see you can lose with grace.’ 

Practical Strategies to Build the Habit 

• Make it a family rule: Ensure that every game played at home ends with a clear “Good game” and a handshake or a high-five. 

• Use consistent praise: Always notice their effort. Saying, ‘You managed to do it even when you did not want to; that is a sign of maturity,’ is very effective. 

• Start small: If a full handshake feels too difficult at first, begin with a simple wave or a quiet “Well played”, and gradually work towards the handshake. 

• Link it to teamwork: Remind them that good sportsmanship is what makes games enjoyable and fair for everyone involved. 

When you make shaking hands an integral part of your family’s culture of play, it stops feeling like an option and becomes a natural conclusion to every match. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches us that good manners, especially in moments of difficulty, are a direct reflection of our faith. The ability to control our emotions and show respect to others, even when we feel hurt or upset, is a sign of true inner strength. A simple handshake, offered after a loss, can become a profound act of dignity, humility, and brotherhood. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verse 134: 

‘Those (the believers are the ones) that spend (in the way of Allah Almighty) in times of abundance and hardship; they suppress their anger; and are forgiving to people; and Allah (Almighty) loves those who are benevolent.’ 

This verse beautifully highlights that restraining anger and treating others with kindness, even when we have been wronged or feel hurt, is a quality that is beloved to Allah Almighty. Teaching your child to shake hands after a loss is a small but meaningful way for them to practise this noble principle. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 2508, that the holy Prophet Muhammad said: 

‘Shake hands and rancour will disappear. Give gifts to each other and love each other, and enmity will disappear.’ 

This hadith reveals the immense power of a handshake to build connections and remove feelings of resentment. When your child learns to shake hands after losing, they are not just practising good manners; they are actively working to reduce bitterness in the world and protect their own heart from anger. 

By teaching this habit, you are giving your child a tool for life. They learn that respect is greater than pride, and dignity is stronger than frustration. Over time, they will carry this value into school, friendships, and their adult life, showing kindness and patience in the face of disappointment. 

In this way, the simple act of shaking hands is elevated into a lesson in self-control, humility, and love for others, which are all qualities that strengthen their faith and enrich their character.