How can a child feel torn when grandparents side with them against parents? 

Parenting Perspective 

When grandparents side with a child against their parents, it can create a loyalty conflict that is deeply unsettling for the child. Children rely on their parents to set the clear boundaries that help them to feel safe. If grandparents undermine those boundaries by siding with the child during a conflict, the child can feel caught in the middle, unsure of whom they should trust and obey. 

Confusion Around Authority 

Children need clarity and consistency about who is guiding them. When grandparents contradict parents in order to “rescue” the child from a rule or a consequence, the child may begin to question whether their parents’ authority is truly valid. This dynamic confuses the roles within the family and undermines the parents’ leadership. 

An Emotional Tug-of-War 

A child may feel pressured to choose between pleasing their parents or their grandparents, creating an internal conflict. 

• Pleasing their grandparents might mean they have to disobey their parents. 

• Obeying their parents might make them feel as if they are letting their grandparents down. 

This internal tug-of-war can create significant stress and guilt, which can damage the child’s emotional stability. 

The Long-Term Impact on Behaviour 

If a child learns that their grandparents will always side with them, they may start to deliberately use that relationship to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. This can foster habits of manipulation, a sense of entitlement, and a general lack of respect for parental rules. 

Preserving the Child’s Balance 

To protect their child’s wellbeing, it is important that parents and grandparents work together as a united team. Any disagreements about rules or discipline should be discussed privately, away from the child. In front of the child, however, boundaries should be reinforced with consistency. Grandparents can still provide a great deal of comfort and affection without undermining the rules, for instance, by offering emotional support to the child while still respecting the parents’ final decision. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam honours the role of grandparents while also affirming that parents carry the direct amanah (trust) of raising their children. When grandparents override parents, even if it is with a loving intention, it disturbs the healthy and balanced structure that Allah Almighty has set for family life. 

The Importance of Unity and Family Respect 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nisa (4), Verses 59: 

‘O you who are Believers, obey Allah Almighty and obey His Messenger (Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) and those who have authority amongst you…’ 

This verse reminds us that respecting the lines of rightful authority is what brings order and harmony to a community. This beautiful principle applies within the structure of a family as well. 

The Accountability of Parents 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 2928, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The man is a shepherd for his family and he is responsible for his flock.’ 

This Hadith emphasises that it is the parents who are the primary shepherds of the household and who hold the main accountability for their children’s upbringing. 

When grandparents are able to show respect for parental authority, they are modelling for their grandchildren the correct Islamic balance between honouring one’s elders and following rightful leadership. This protects the child from the stress of inner conflict and strengthens their trust in both generations. Such a harmonious approach nurtures patience, respect, and security, allowing the child to grow up in a home that reflects the mercy and order taught by Islam.