Differentiating Between Your Child’s Emotion and Your Trauma 

Parenting Perspective 

This question reflects deep self-awareness. Many parents come from homes in which conflict was dangerous, not just difficult. That flinch is not weakness; instead, it is your body remembering what once felt unsafe. But your awareness of it is also your power. 

A child’s big emotions, especially when expressed loudly, can be unsettling. It is not always true that every raised voice is a threat. One key to separating your child’s emotion from your past is to slow down and name what is happening in real time. Ask yourself: is my child upset with me, or just overwhelmed? Am I reacting to them, or to something older inside me? 

When you pause in this way, you create a gentle boundary between your child’s present needs and your historic pain. That clarity helps you respond rather than react. 

Ground Yourself Beforehand 

You can also ground yourself before entering situations you know are likely to escalate. This might include rehearsing calm phrases to say when your child slams a door (‘You are allowed to be upset, but not to hurt others’), or having a go-to strategy for calming your own nervous system. 

Acknowledge Your Discomfort 

Most importantly, you are allowed to acknowledge your discomfort without making it your child’s burden. Say calmly, ‘I feel tense when things get loud. I am working on staying steady.’ This teaches your child two crucial lessons: that adults can be honest about their limits, and that emotion does not mean danger. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islamically, the inner journey of self-awareness is not separate from parenting; it is embedded in it. To be a parent who is present, one must also become aware of the patterns that cloud presence. 

A Reminder That Our Inner State Matters 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shams (91), verses 7–10: 

‘And by the soul and how it is designed (for infusion into the body); thus, We (Allah Almighty) have designed (the soul with discretion) for wickedness and without any doubt success is for the one who developed purity (of the self), and indeed, failure is for the one who embraces (the darkness of ignorance and immorality).’ 

This verse reminds us that our inner state matters. Recognising the parts of ourselves shaped by pain, and choosing to respond with clarity rather than impulse, is part of that purification. 

The Prophetic Model: Strength is Restraint 

It is recorded in Sahih al-Bukhari that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong is not the one who overcomes people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger. ‘

[Sahih al-Bukhari, 78:141] 

This Hadith invites us to shift the idea of strength. It is not about suppressing emotion or powering through discomfort. It is about restraint, clarity, and intention, even when fear or memory stirs within. 

By learning to notice your flinch without acting from it, you are not only honouring your own healing, but you are also offering your child a new script in which emotion is heard but never feared.