After a disagreement about parenting, our child tends to side with the ‘softer’ parent. Is that natural, or a warning sign? 

Parenting Perspective 

It is quite natural for a child to gravitate towards whichever parent feels emotionally safer or more lenient during a conflict. This is not automatically a sign of manipulation; it often reflects a child’s simple instinct to seek comfort, especially after feeling tension. However, if this pattern becomes a habit, it should be seen as a warning sign. Your child may begin to equate firmness with harshness and softness with love, creating an unhealthy imbalance in their understanding of discipline. Over time, this can lead to an avoidance of accountability, a difficulty in respecting boundaries, or even a quiet emotional wedge being driven between the parents. The real issue is not that your child feels closer to one parent in a single moment, but that a repeated alignment with only one parent can erode their trust in the parental team that is meant to guide them. 

How to re-centre your parenting as a united front 

To prevent this dynamic from becoming entrenched, it is essential that both parents realign as a visible and emotionally consistent team. If your child rushes to the ‘softer’ parent after a disagreement, that parent must respond gently but firmly with a unifying statement, such as, “We both love you very much, and your father/mother and I will talk about this together first.” This simple act reinforces your unity and avoids enabling any side-taking. It is also crucial to reflect privately as a couple. Is the firmness being delivered with calm compassion, or with frustration? Is the softness offering genuine comfort, or is it undermining a necessary consequence? The goal is not for one of you to completely change your style, but to ensure that your child experiences discipline and love as complementary, not competing, forces in their life. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islamic parenting calls for a profound sense of balance, not only in our tone but also in the spiritual messages we convey through our actions. If a child consistently perceives one parent as the ‘safe’ one and the other as the ‘strict’ one, it can create an emotional split that distorts their understanding of the divine attributes of mercy and justice. In the ideal Islamic model, both parents work in harmony to guide, correct, and comfort, reflecting a more complete picture of loving authority. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Anfaal (8), Verses 46: 

‘…And do not dispute (with each other) as it may weaken (your ranks), and would reduce your strength… ‘

This powerful verse, while revealed in a broader context, speaks directly to the heart of co-parenting. When parents dispute in front of their child or act out of sync with one another, the collective strength of their guidance and their emotional influence is greatly diminished. 

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 7376, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Allah will not be merciful to those who are not merciful to mankind. ‘

This hadith underscores the absolute centrality of gentleness in a believer’s character. Yet, we know from his life that the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ also corrected children with grace and wisdom, never allowing mercy to come at the expense of necessary guidance. When both parents make a conscious effort to integrate mercy with structure, their child no longer feels the need to choose which one to turn to, because they feel emotionally held by both. That balance is not just psychologically sound; it is a fulfilment of the spiritual trust that anchors a child in safety, clarity, and love.