What kind of praise grows pride in effort, not ego? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children naturally seek validation, but when praise is consistently directed only towards outcomes, such as winning a game, achieving a high grade, or maintaining a clean room, they can mistakenly link their self-worth solely to results. This can lead to anxiety, a fear of failure, or developing a habit of only doing things to gain external approval. The most effective approach is to deliberately shift the focus from achievement to effort, persistence, and thoughtfulness. 

For example, instead of using outcome-based praise, such as, “Well done for finishing your puzzle,” you can switch to process-based recognition: “I noticed how carefully you tried each piece and kept going even when it got tricky.” This technique not only acknowledges their hard work but also shows your child that diligence and perseverance are the qualities you notice and value. 

Celebrate Process, Not Product 

The key is to highlight specific strategies or behaviours that your child employed, such as patience, planning, attention to detail, or creativity. 

• Process-Focused Statements: “You took your time and thought through each step,” or, “I can see you practiced this skill with such focus.” 

This kind of specific recognition reinforces the idea that effort itself is meaningful. Over time, children learn that repeated effort, problem-solving, and resilience are worthy of recognition, entirely independent of immediate success or failure. This builds a foundation of intrinsic motivation. 

Foster Self-Reflection 

To help children internalise this sense of achievement, encourage them to reflect on their own process. 

• Self-Reflection Question: “What part of today’s task made you feel proud?” 

This empowers them to self-assess, internalise the achievement, and value their own growth journey. Gradually, they shift from constantly seeking external approval to cultivating a stable, intrinsic pride, which builds long-term confidence and a genuine love for learning and effort. 

Spiritual Insight 

Effort as a Reflection of Sincerity 

In Islam, the value of a person’s action lies in their sincerity (niyyah) and perseverance, not in the visible outcome. When parents teach their children to focus on effort rather than praise or results, they are nurturing a mindset that mirrors the Islamic principle of striving for Allah’s pleasure. True confidence in a believer is not built upon comparison or applause but upon the inner satisfaction of having tried with integrity. This distinction between effort and ego is what transforms ordinary acts into worship and helps children understand that worthiness comes from sincerity, not from superiority. 

Divine Honour for Those Who Strive 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Ankaboot (29), Verse 69: 
‘And those people that endeavour (to please) Us (Allah Almighty); so, We (Allah Almighty) shall indeed, guide them (to those pathways) that lead to Us; and indeed, Allah (Almighty) is with those who are benevolent (in their actions).’ 

This verse beautifully reminds us that it is the act of striving (mujahadah), not perfection or victory, that earns divine companionship. For children, this translates into a simple but profound truth: Allah Almighty values your trying, even when the result is imperfect. Parents can use this verse to reinforce that persistence, patience, and honesty in effort bring guidance and reward from Allah. Over time, children internalise that growth, not glory, is the true measure of success in both faith and life. 

Intention as the Measure of Worth 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 2201, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 
‘Actions are (judged) by intentions, and everyone will have only what he intended.’ 

This hadith is one of the foundations of Islamic ethics and can be a guiding principle for how we praise children. When parents highlight the why behind their child’s action, their kindness, diligence, or honesty, rather than the external achievement, they are mirroring this Prophetic wisdom. It helps children recognise that their inner motives shape the value of what they do. This form of praise builds humility and emotional strength, teaching that even small, unseen efforts matter deeply when done with pure intention. 

Cultivating Pride in Effort, Not Ego 

By consistently connecting praise to effort and sincerity, parents nurture ihsan, the excellence of doing one’s best for Allah Almighty’s sake. A child raised this way learns to take quiet pride in hard work and steady improvement, not in outshining others. This approach protects them from arrogance and fosters gratitude for their abilities. In a world that celebrates external success, grounding confidence in inner sincerity creates balance. It allows a child to grow into a believer who finds joy in striving, humility in achievement, and peace in knowing that Allah Almighty values the heart’s effort more than the world’s applause.