How do I balance firmness with empathy when I feel angry? 

Parenting Perspective 

When you are angry, it can be incredibly challenging to maintain a balance between firmness and empathy. The core of the issue is that a child needs firm boundaries to feel secure but also needs to feel understood and cared for. When anger overshadows empathy, a child may see the discipline as a personal rejection rather than a response to their actions, leading to feelings of shame or unworthiness. It is important to acknowledge your anger but ensure your response still shapes your child’s behaviour positively. 

In a state of anger, it is easy to raise your voice, use harsh words, or deliver consequences that are disproportionate to the misbehaviour. The key to managing this is to pause before you respond. Remember that anger can cloud judgement, and an immediate reaction may not be the most effective.¹ You can model emotional regulation by stating clearly, ‘I am feeling very upset right now, but I want to talk about what happened’. By giving yourself space to cool down, you teach your child that strong emotions can be managed with respect and compassion. 

Strategies to Balance Firmness and Empathy 

• Take a moment before responding: Allow yourself to breathe, step away for a moment, or count to ten before you react.² This simple pause can help to reset your emotional state. 

• State your emotions clearly: Use statements like, ‘I am angry about what happened, but I love you and want to help you learn from this’. This shows your child that firmness and love can coexist. 

• Reframe the situation: When addressing the issue, focus on the behaviour, not your child’s character. Say, ‘This behaviour is not acceptable, but that does not mean you are a bad person’. This helps to make the correction feel less personal. 

By creating this balance, you demonstrate that while misbehaviour has consequences, your love and understanding remain constant. This process builds security, ensuring your child sees discipline as a tool for growth, not emotional harm. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, the principles of justice and mercy go hand in hand. Allah Almighty encourages us to be fair with wisdom and kindness, especially during times of emotional stress. Balancing firmness with empathy serves a higher purpose: the development of self-discipline, compassion, and respect in our children. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Aa’raaf (7), Verses 199: 

‘(O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) adopt a forgiving approach, and encourage (the doing of) positive (moral) actions, and disregard those who are imbued in their ignorance.‘ 

This verse underscores the importance of restraint and grace, even when confronting challenging behaviour. The focus should always be on teaching and guiding, not on reacting with anger. 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, Hadith 1317, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong person is not the one who is able to overpower others, but the one who controls himself when he is angry.’ 

This hadith directly connects strength with self-control, emphasising that even in moments of anger, the true test is the ability to act with empathy and patience. When parents embody this wisdom, they not only teach their children the importance of self-regulation but also set an example of how true strength lies in managing one’s emotions while maintaining clear boundaries.