What helps me choose discipline that teaches rather than shames? 

Parenting Perspective 

Choosing discipline that teaches rather than shames require a fundamental shift in mindset. When children are punished in ways that shame them, it reinforces feelings of inadequacy and makes it harder for them to internalise lessons or feel motivated to change. Shame-based discipline often attacks a child’s identity, with phrases like, ‘You are bad’, whereas teaching-focused discipline targets specific behaviours with the aim of guiding the child toward better choices. 

One of the most effective ways to teach is to ensure the child understands why their actions were wrong, not just that they were punished for them. Instead of expressing frustration with phrases such as, ‘You never listen,’ try a more constructive approach: ‘I know you are capable of doing better, and here is how we can manage this next time.’ This helps the child focus on their behaviour rather than their self-worth. Offering choices instead of commands also empowers your child. For example, rather than stating, ‘You are grounded for a week,’ you could try, ‘I see you have made a mistake. Would you prefer to finish your homework now, or shall we talk about what happened first?’ 

The most powerful tool is clarity on the desired outcome. Is the goal merely to punish, or is it to help your child develop a deeper understanding of consequences? When the goal is growth, the approach naturally becomes less about enforcing rules and more about nurturing responsibility. 

Steps to Encourage Learning Over Shame 

• Focus on actions, not character: Avoid labelling your child as ‘bad’ or ‘lazy’. Instead, discuss the specific action that was inappropriate. 

• Be a guide, not a judge: Frame discipline as a shared goal of improvement, not as a top-down exercise of authority. 

• Use restorative practices: Help your child understand how to make amends. Instead of only removing privileges, provide a way for them to earn back trust, such as through helpful chores or taking on extra responsibility. 

• Praise effort, not just outcomes: Acknowledge and celebrate your child’s effort to correct a mistake, no matter how small the progress. 

These shifts create a supportive, teaching-oriented atmosphere that focuses on a child’s potential for change rather than their shortcomings, strengthening the parent-child bond. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, teaching and nurturing are essential aspects of parenting, and discipline should always be rooted in love and wisdom. The goal is to guide, not to harm. 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 495, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Teach your children to pray when they are seven, and discipline them at ten, but do not strike them in a way that causes harm’ 

This teaching shows that discipline is meant to guide a child towards righteousness, not to punish them in a way that causes physical or emotional injury. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Tawbah (9), Verses 71: 

‘And the believing men and the believing women, some of them are role models for each other; where they encourage (the doing of) positive (moral actions), and forbid (the doing of) negative (immoral actions)…’ 

This verse underscores the responsibility of parents to guide their children towards goodness with wisdom and gentleness. When discipline is rooted in love and the intention to teach, it strengthens a child’s character and uplifts the relationship. The act of guiding a child through their mistakes becomes an act of compassion, which is aligned with Allah Almighty’s command to enjoin good with care and understanding. This process helps parents embody the balance of justice and mercy, which is central to Islamic values.