What plan helps when punishments create more chaos than calm? 

Parenting Perspective 

When punishments lead to more chaos than calm, it is a clear sign that the approach may be exacerbating the very behaviour it intends to correct. Punishments can create stress and resistance in children, especially when they feel unpredictable or disconnected from the misbehaviour. In these cases, a child may not understand why the punishment is being imposed. Instead of learning from the experience, they may internalise feelings of anger, resentment, or anxiety. 

If punishments create more chaos, parents should step back and reassess the situation. The aim should always be to restore calm and ensure the child can reflect on their actions in a supportive environment. Punishments that feel like an attack on a child’s character, rather than a response to a specific behaviour, often lead to shame or helplessness, which can fuel further misbehaviour. A better approach is to create a structured, empathetic environment where children are guided with clear expectations, and where the parent-child relationship remains intact. 

A Calm, Structured Approach 

• Prioritise calmness over immediate reactions: When misbehaviour occurs, take a moment to breathe and assess the situation before responding. A reactionary response, such as shouting or escalating the punishment, will only heighten the chaos. 

• Communicate clearly and calmly: Instead of punishing in anger, calmly explain the specific behaviour being addressed. For example, you could say, ‘When you did that, it made things difficult for others. We need to think about how to behave differently next time’. 

• Use consequences, not punishments: A consequence should logically follow the behaviour and focus on teaching. For example, if a child misuses a privilege, the consequence might be its temporary removal. This is not a punishment, but an opportunity for the child to reflect on their actions. 

• Offer restorative solutions: Instead of ending with a consequence, involve your child in finding a solution. Ask, ‘How can we make this situation better? What could you do differently next time?’. This reinforces personal responsibility and problem-solving skills. 

By switching the focus from punitive measures to structured guidance, parents can foster a healthier environment where children learn from their actions without feeling constantly threatened or misunderstood. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, the emphasis is not on punishing children to instil fear, but on guiding them towards righteousness with patience and compassion. Allah Almighty encourages us to respond to difficult situations with gentleness, providing a framework for parenting that strengthens bonds and nurtures a deep sense of responsibility. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Aalai Imran (3), Verses 159: 

‘So, it is by the mercy from Allah (Almighty) that you (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ) are lenient with them; and if you had been harsh (in your speech) or restrained (in your heart), they would have dispersed from around you; so, then pardon them, and ask for their forgiveness (from Allah Almighty); and consult them in all matters (of public administration)…’ 

This verse highlights the power of mercy when responding to others, particularly those under our care. By being lenient and forgiving, we create an environment conducive to learning and growth, rather than one rooted in fear and rebellion. 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 3687, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever is deprived of gentleness is deprived of goodness.’ 

This hadith serves as a reminder that gentleness is not a sign of weakness but of strength and wisdom. As parents, the goal is not to dominate but to guide, teaching children the correct path through loving correction, not harsh punishment. Emphasising mercy and restorative actions helps cultivate a relationship based on mutual respect, where both parent and child can grow together. 

In light of these teachings, parents should aim to approach misbehaviour with patience and wisdom, fostering a supportive atmosphere that promotes both emotional and spiritual growth.