How do I avoid fuelling sibling rivalries by punishing one more than the other? 

Parenting Perspective 

Sibling rivalries often emerge from perceived unfairness, especially when children feel that one is being punished more harshly than the other. This can breed insecurity and resentment; one child may feel unjustly singled out, while the other develops a sense of privilege. This dynamic can create long-lasting tension as children begin to believe they are being treated unequally. 

The key to managing this delicate issue lies in fairness and transparency. Punishing one child more frequently can send the unintended message that they are ‘more difficult’ or less worthy of empathy, causing siblings to see each other as competitors rather than companions. The solution is to ensure discipline is always consistent, clear, and proportionate to the misbehaviour, rather than being based on emotional reactions. 

It is important to explain that the reason for a punishment is not an evaluation of their worth but a consequence of their actions. Taking the time to explain why a consequence is being given helps both children understand that the focus is on the behaviour, not their value as individuals. For example, you could say, ‘You are facing this consequence because your actions went against our family rules. This is not about me loving you any less; it is about learning what is right’. 

It is also essential to recognise each child’s individual needs. Children respond differently to discipline based on their age, temperament, and maturity.¹ One child may require a firmer boundary, while another might respond better to a gentler approach. By tailoring your method to each child’s unique character, you can avoid a situation where one child feels victimised and the other feels favoured. 

Strategies for Fair Discipline 

• Communicate openly: Be clear about the reasons for any consequence and make sure both children feel heard. If one child feels misunderstood, address their feelings immediately. 

• Balance emotional responses: Avoid letting frustration led you to impose a harsher punishment on one child over the other. Strive to maintain a calm and rational approach. 

• Encourage empathy: Help siblings understand each other’s perspectives. This teaches them that their actions affect others and foster a sense of mutual respect. 

• Be consistent: Apply the same rules and consequences to all children. This demonstrates fairness and prevents the creation of divisions within the family. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, justice and equality are core values, especially within the family.² Parents are advised to treat their children fairly and without bias to avoid causing discord among them. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ exemplified this, always striving to be balanced in his treatment of his family members. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Baqarah (2), Verses 286: 

‘Allah (Almighty) does not place any burden on any human being except that which is within his capacity…’ 

This verse reminds us that just as Allah Almighty is perfectly just, parents should not overburden a child with excessive or unequal punishment that could lead to resentment. The principle of justice requires fairness in all matters, particularly in how children are disciplined. 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, Hadith 94, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Fear Allah and be just among your children.’ 

This hadith powerfully underlines the importance of treating each child with fairness. By being just in your discipline, you reflect the values of mercy and equity that Islam teaches. It is a constant reminder that true justice comes from valuing the needs of each child equally, rather than treating them differently based on frustration or perceived faults.