What works when my child misbehaves to get attention, even if it is negative? 

Parenting Perspective 

When your child misbehaves for attention, even if the attention they receive is negative, it can feel like a frustrating cycle. This behaviour is often a natural part of child development, stemming from a deeper need to be noticed, validated, or understood. While it may appear defiant, in many cases, the child is simply trying to connect with you. This can leave parents feeling conflicted between addressing the misbehaviour and providing the attention their child craves. 

It is important to recognise that children will often act out when they feel their emotional, social, or physical needs are not being met. When negative behaviour consistently results in attention, it becomes a reinforced behaviour, as the child learns that acting out is an effective way to feel connected. The parenting challenge is to meet that need for connection without reinforcing negative actions. 

The goal is to redirect this need for attention into more positive and constructive outlets. One approach is to ignore negative behaviour while consistently acknowledging positive actions, though this requires patience. Providing regular, proactive, and positive attention can help a child feel seen and valued without needing to misbehave. Instead of focusing on the misbehaviour, shift your attention to positive moments to break negative patterns. 

Focusing on Positive Attention 

• Acknowledge good behaviour: Instead of only responding to misbehaviour, try to ‘catch’ your child being good and praise them for it. Recognising moments when they behave well, even in small ways, gives them the attention they are seeking in a more positive form. 

• Schedule one-on-one time: Set aside dedicated time to engage in positive activities together. This could be as simple as reading a book, playing a game, or talking about their day. Consistent, positive interaction will reduce their need to seek attention through misbehaviour. 

• Redirect attention-seeking behaviour: When misbehaviour arises, calmly redirect it by offering an alternative. For example, if a child is interrupting, you could suggest a more appropriate way for them to communicate their needs, such as saying, ‘Excuse me, may I talk to you when you are finished?’. 

Ultimately, the goal is to help your child understand that good behaviour will garner positive attention and affection, while misbehaviour will not fulfil their need for connection. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam encourages us to be patient, compassionate, and wise in our approach to raising our children. Allah Almighty has provided beautiful guidance on how to connect with our children, especially when they struggle with attention-seeking behaviour. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Ahqaaf (46), Verses 15: 

‘And We (Allah Almighty) have decreed upon mankind in regard to his parents (to treat them) favourably; His mother carried him (in pregnancy) with hardship and gave birth to him (with great) hardship; and his gestation and dependent period of nourishment (lasted) thirty months; He (continues to be nourished) until he reaches his maturity, and then (realising when) he reaches the age of forty; He says: “O my true Nourisher, grant me the capability  that I might be grateful to You for all Your Endowments, which You have bestowed upon me and my parents…”.’ 

This verse reminds us of the profound bond between parent and child, which is founded on care and gratitude. A child’s desire for attention is often a search for the very same care and understanding that Allah Almighty enjoins upon parents. Just as we are guided to treat our parents with honour, so too must we listen to our children’s needs with patience and gentleness. 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, Hadith 371, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He who does not show mercy to others, will not be shown mercy.’ 

This hadith serves as a powerful reminder that our role as parents is to nurture our children with compassion. Instead of viewing attention-seeking behaviour as a challenge to our authority, we should see it as an opportunity to extend mercy. By responding with consistent kindness, we can guide our children towards healthier ways of seeking connection. 

In this way, both the Quran and the teachings of the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ inspire us to cultivate loving, patient relationships with our children, grounded in mercy and understanding.