What helps me notice when punishment makes my child withdraw emotionally? 

Parenting Perspective 

When punishment causes a child to withdraw emotionally, it often stems from feelings of helplessness, shame, or alienation. A child may retreat inwardly if they feel unable to meet expectations or if they internalise the punishment as a negative reflection of their self-worth. These emotional responses are often subtle, but over time they can deeply affect a child’s ability to connect with you and feel safe. 

One of the first signs to look for is the avoidance of eye contact. Children who feel ashamed or embarrassed by punishment may find it difficult to look at you, often looking away or physically distancing themselves. Silence is another key indicator; a child who once shared their thoughts freely may become quiet and avoid conversation after a punishment. You may also notice closed body language, such as crossed arms or turning away. These are all forms of emotional withdrawal where a child feels unable or unwilling to engage due to fear of further judgement. 

Additionally, significant changes in general behaviour can reveal emotional withdrawal. If a child becomes unusually passive, hesitant, or disengaged from family activities, it may be a sign they are struggling with internal conflict or confusion about their relationship. They may also have trouble responding to affection, as they may feel unworthy of it after being punished. 

Recognising Withdrawal Patterns 

• Lack of expression: A previously expressive child becomes significantly less talkative or appears emotionally distant and flat. 

• Physical withdrawal: The child avoids physical closeness, such as hugs, or increasingly prefers to stay in their room and avoid family activities. 

• Low self-esteem indicators: They may make negative comments about themselves, such as saying they are ‘bad’ or ‘stupid’. 

• Deflecting emotions: They might act out in other ways, such as becoming irritable or stubborn without an obvious cause, to distract from deeper emotional pain. 

Fostering Open Communication 

It is essential to create a safe space for your child to share their feelings. Instead of focusing only on punitive measures, try to create opportunities for open-ended conversation where they can express themselves without judgement. You can use affirming statements, such as, ‘I can see you are upset, and I am here to listen whenever you are ready to talk’. This helps to break down the emotional wall that punishment may have built. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, nurturing a child’s emotional health is paramount. Mercy and compassion are fundamental to our relationships, especially with our children. When a child withdraws emotionally, it is a signal that a more gentle and nurturing approach is needed. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Tawbah (9), Verses 128: 

‘Without any doubt, there has come to you (O mankind), the Prophet (Muhammad ﷺ) from amongst yourself; (the thought of) your suffering weighs heavily upon him, he is extremely desirous (for the best) for you; and remains most compassionate and most merciful for the believers.’ 

This verse highlights the importance of compassion. Just as the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was merciful and empathetic, parents are encouraged to embody these qualities. When a child withdraws, it signals the need for gentle guidance. Punishment alone cannot bring lasting change, but compassionate understanding can help rebuild trust and emotional connection. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1924, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The merciful will be shown mercy by The Merciful. Be merciful on the earth, and you will be shown mercy from above.’ 

This hadith reinforces the need for gentleness in our dealings with others. By responding with mercy, especially when our child is struggling, we foster a deeper, more compassionate relationship. Encouraging emotional expression and ensuring they feel loved, even in moments of difficulty, nurtures their spiritual and emotional growth. This aligns with the Islamic principle of guiding through love, not fear.