What works when my child insists ‘you never told me’After a clear rule? 

Parenting Perspective 

The statement ‘you never told me’ is often a delaying tactic or a defence mechanism, rather than a genuine case of amnesia. When this happens, it is important to uphold the rule while also protecting your child’s dignity. This approach keeps the boundary firm and the conversation respectful. 

Providing long explanations can invite debate and negotiation. Instead, switch to brief, repeatable lines that balance warmth with firmness. Consequences, when needed, should teach rather than humiliate, and should always be brief, connected to the behaviour, and applied consistently. 

Name the Behaviour, Keep the Dignity 

Label the behaviour without labelling the child. You can say, ‘That sounds like the ‘I did not know’ response. I can help you remember for next time, but the rule still stands for now’. 

Make Clarity Visible, Not Just Verbal 

Rules that only exist verbally are easily forgotten. Move them from your memory into the physical environment. Create a small, visible ‘Rules-in-View’ board where a few key rules are posted at the point of use. 

• Screen time: ‘Screens off at 7:30 pm, devices into the basket’. 

• Homework: ‘Homework in school bag before dinner’. 

• Entryway: ‘Shoes on the rack, school kit on the hook’. 

When the rule is in sight, the ‘you never told me’Script loses its power. 

Preview the Rule Before the Hotspot 

Children remember instructions best just before they need to act on them, not hours earlier. Use a ten-second ‘preview cue’ as you approach a key transition time. For example, ‘In five minutes, it will be time for screens off and devices into the basket’. A brief, neutral preview primes the brain for compliance and helps to prevent later arguments. 

Use Short Scripts and a Steady Tone 

• ‘The rule is posted right here. Please follow it now’. 

• ‘We spoke about this yesterday, and I am holding the same boundary today’. 

• ‘I know you did not like the rule, but it still applies’. 

Maintain a low, even tone of voice so that your child’s nervous system hears safety, not a challenge. 

Pair Clarity with a Logical Consequence 

If a rule is ignored, apply a proportionate and predictable consequence that is directly linked to the behaviour, and then reset the emotional tone with calm. 

• Late device hand-in: The next day’s device hand-in time is ten minutes earlier. 

• Shoes left in the hallway: A five-minute hallway reset is required before playtime. 

• Homework not packed: Pack the bag immediately and send the teacher a brief apology. 

Close the Loop by Recording and Reviewing 

End the episode with a sixty-second repair conversation: ‘Next time, what will help you remember?’. Capture their suggestion on the rule board or a small checklist. A weekly three-minute family review can keep rules current and ensure they are owned by everyone. When children help to create the rules, they are far more likely to respect them. 

Spiritual Insight 

Family rules can be seen as small covenants, which are clear and known agreements that protect time, safety, and mutual respect. When you ask your child to honour a posted rule, you are teaching the Qur’anic principle that promises and agreements carry significant weight. Linking a rule to this principle elevates the moment from a power struggle to a lesson in integrity. The tone remains kind while the boundary stays firm, teaching your child that reliability is a form of worship expressed in everyday actions. 

Qur’anic Guidance: Agreements Matter 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Israa (17), Verse 34: 

‘…And fulfil all your promises, as indeed, you will be questioned about all the promises that you have made (in this life).’ 

This verse teaches that in our homes; we keep our agreements because Allah Almighty holds us accountable for them. 

Prophetic Guidance: Honour the Conditions You Set 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 3594, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The Muslims are bound by their conditions, except a condition that makes lawful what is unlawful or unlawful what is lawful.’ 

This teaching applies directly to household agreements. If a family has agreed that devices go into a basket at 7:30 pm, then fidelity to that ‘condition’ is part of living truthfully. This Hadith also protects against unfairness by stipulating that rules must be reasonable and aligned with Islamic values. When you uphold a fair condition consistently, you model integrity. When your child accepts and keeps it, they practise integrity. 

Putting Revelation into Daily Steps 

• Post it: Place the rule in sight, not just in memory. 

• Preview it: Offer a kind, short cue before the relevant time. 

• Hold it: Use brief, firm scripts and avoid debates. 

• Teach through consequences: Ensure they are small, logical, and consistent. 

• Review and renew: A weekly check-in keeps conditions fair and shared. 

Through this rhythm, the excuse of ‘you never told me’Fades away because the rule is visible, previewed, and shared. Your child learns that faith is lived through kept agreements and that a calm, structured home is a form of mercy.