How can I use attention and time as the main “reward” after good choices? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children instinctively value their parents’ attention far more than any material reward. By making your presence the primary reward for good behaviour, you teach them that positive choices strengthen love and connection within the family. 

Choose Connection Over Material Rewards 

After your child patiently shares with a sibling or completes their homework without reminders, you could say, ‘I would love to spend some extra time with you now because of how well you handled that.’ This approach connects their behaviour with a lasting and meaningful reward: your attention. It also helps to avoid the trap of using treats or toys, which can encourage entitlement or lose their significance over time. 

Make Time Intentional and Memorable 

For this approach to be effective, the time you give must feel focused and meaningful. Small actions, such as reading an extra story, cooking together, or taking a short walk, become powerful rewards when they are clearly linked to a good choice. Use warm words and affectionate body language, saying something like, ‘I am really enjoying this special time with you because of how kind you were to your friend earlier.’ This ensures your child understands the reason for your focused attention. Over time, they will learn that connection and love are the real rewards in life, which naturally encourages them to repeat positive choices. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, the mercy (rahmah) and love (mawaddah) within families are considered profound blessings from Allah Almighty. Rewarding a child with your time and attention is a direct reflection of these values, showing them that closeness and affection are far greater than any material possession. This approach nurtures gratitude, empathy, and a sense of security that is deeply rooted in faith. 

The Quranic Emphasis on Mercy in Relationships 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Rome (30), Verse 21: 

‘…And designed between you love, tolerance and kindness; indeed, in this there are Signs (of the infinite truth) for the nations that have realisation.‘ 

This verse highlights affection and mercy as divine gifts. By offering your time and attention as rewards, you embody this teaching, making children feel loved and valued in ways that align with faith. 

The Prophetic Example of Tenderness 

The importance of showing physical affection as an act of mercy is beautifully illustrated in a narration where the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ kissed his grandson, Hasan ibn Ali. When a man present remarked that he had ten children and had never kissed any of them, the Prophet ﷺ responded with a profound lesson. 

It is recorded in Al Adab Al Mufrad, Hadith 371, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.’ 

This hadith teaches that showing affection is a critical part of mercy, a quality beloved by Allah Almighty. Using your time, warmth, and attention as a reward is not only an effective parenting tool but also a direct application of the prophetic model of love and compassion.