How can I praise my child without making them dependent on approval? 

Parenting Perspective 

While praise is a natural way to show encouragement, overusing it can lead a child to become dependent on external approval for their self-worth. The key is to praise in a way that builds their internal confidence and resilience, so they learn to value their own efforts and judgments without constantly seeking validation from others. 

Encourage Internal Motivation 

If praise is constant or focused only on outcomes, children may start working for the reward of praise itself. To prevent this, shift from giving constant verbal approval to fostering self-evaluation. Instead of always saying, ‘I am proud of you,’ try asking questions that promote internal reflection, such as, ‘How do you feel about the effort you put into that?’ This encourages your child to find satisfaction from within. Reserve explicit praise for moments of genuine growth or exceptional kindness, so your words carry more weight. 

Balance Recognition with Independence 

It is important to show your child that you see and value their efforts, but that their worth is not conditional on your approval. Use neutral affirmations that acknowledge their work without creating dependency. For example, statements like, ‘You worked very hard on that,’ or ‘I noticed you kept trying even when it was difficult,’ are effective. You can also actively encourage independence by saying, ‘You must be very proud of yourself.’ Over time, this helps children develop self-confidence, knowing they do not always need an external audience to feel capable. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, the purity of one’s intention is more valuable than any recognition received from people. Teaching children to act for the sake of Allah Almighty, not for applause, is a powerful antidote to praise dependency. It gently redirects their focus from seeking approval to cultivating sincerity (ikhlas). 

Nurture Sincerity (Ikhlas) Over Approval-Seeking 

Parents can guide children toward this higher purpose by framing their efforts in a spiritual context. You might say, ‘The most important thing is that Allah saw your effort, even if nobody else was watching.’ This teaches them that their actions have ultimate meaning and value, regardless of who acknowledges them. The Quran reinforces this by reminding us that our striving is for our own benefit. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Ankaboot (29), Verses 6: 

‘And the person who makes endeavours (in the way of Allah Almighty), then indeed, he has endeavoured for his own (benefit); for indeed, Allah (Almighty) is Eternally Independent of (everything that is in) the trans-universal existence.‘ 

This verse helps a child understand that their hard work is a source of personal growth and spiritual reward. This is powerfully complemented by the Prophetic teaching that seeking Allah’s pleasure should be our goal. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 2414, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever seeks the pleasure of Allah, though it displeases people, Allah will suffice him against the people. And whoever seeks the pleasure of people, though it displeases Allah, Allah will leave him to the people.’ 

This Hadith teaches that true sufficiency and success lie in prioritising Allah’s approval. By linking your encouragement to sincerity and divine reward, you can help your child value their own growth without becoming dependent on external validation.