How can I praise kindness without it turning into showing off? 

Parenting Perspective 

Praising kindness is essential, but the way it is done determines whether a child learns the value of sincerity or simply learns to perform for an audience. The goal is to nurture a genuine love for doing good, independent of the recognition it might bring. This is achieved by focusing on the act itself and its positive effect on others. 

Keep Praise Personal and Specific 

When your child does something kind, such as sharing a toy or helping a sibling, praise them in a way that highlights the action rather than inflating their ego. Instead of using broad labels like, ‘You are the kindest child ever,’ try specific and private acknowledgements. For example, you could say, ‘I noticed how you helped your sister when she was upset. That was a very thoughtful thing to do.’ This approach draws their attention to the intrinsic value of the deed, helping them connect kindness with genuine care rather than a desire for applause. 

Emphasise Impact Over Attention 

Children may begin to show off if their acts of kindness are always celebrated publicly. To prevent this, shift the focus from the recognition they receive to the impact their actions have on others. You can say things like, ‘Your friend looked so happy when you shared your snack with them,’ or ‘That small act of help made a big difference to my day.’ This nurtures empathy by teaching them to see and appreciate how their behaviour benefits others. It also helps build humility, as the goal becomes spreading goodness rather than gathering attention. 

Spiritual Insight 

One of the most important spiritual lessons a parent can teach is that of sincerity (ikhlas). A good deed is only truly valuable in the sight of Allah Almighty when it is done for His sake alone. By linking praise to this principle, parents can help purify a child’s intentions and protect their heart from pride. 

Cultivating Sincerity (Ikhlas) in Good Deeds 

Parents can gently explain that while being kind is wonderful, its real beauty lies in doing it for the pleasure of Allah, not to impress people. This spiritual framing keeps a child’s intention pure and their heart humble. The Quran provides the perfect example of this selfless spirit, describing righteous people who give without expecting anything in return. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Insaan (76), Verses 8-9: 

‘And donate food, despite their own desire for nourishment, to the needy and the orphans and those held in captivity. Indeed, (they say in their hearts): “We are only feeding you for the sake of Allah (Almighty); we do not seek from you any reward or any gratitude”.’ 

This powerful verse teaches that the highest form of kindness is selflessness. This is reinforced by the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ, who reminded believers that Allah judges our inner state, not our outward appearance. 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saiheen, Hadith 7, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Allah does not look at your figures, nor at your wealth, but He looks at your hearts and deeds.’ 

This Hadith reminds children that the intention behind an act is what matters most. By praising kindness in a way that highlights sincerity, parents help their children develop true humility, ensuring their good deeds remain pure and beloved to Allah Almighty.