What helps me see shame behind a quick lie or excuse? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child lies or makes an excuse, it is easy for a parent to feel disappointed or even betrayed. Yet behind many small falsehoods lies something deeper than mischief: shame. Shame can make children hide, not out of a desire to rebel, but because they fear being seen as unworthy of love if they admit the truth. Learning to recognise that fear changes everything, turning moments of dishonesty into opportunities for healing and connection. 

Understanding the Fear Behind the Lie 

Children often lie when they sense an emotional threat. They may think, ‘If I admit to this, I will be in trouble, and I cannot bear that feeling.’ Shame can flood their system before they can think logically, and a lie escapes as a form of self-protection. Recognising this dynamic helps you shift from a punitive mindset to one of curiosity. 

Instead of asking, ‘Why did you lie?’ try asking yourself, ‘What feeling were they trying to avoid?’ This simple reframing can transform a moment of conflict into one of understanding. 

Recognising Shame-Driven Behaviour 

Look for these subtle cues that suggest a lie or an excuse is being driven by shame: 

• A quick, defensive tone: The answers may come too fast, without any time for reflection. 

• Avoiding eye contact: The child might look down or away from you when speaking. 

• Tense body posture: You may notice their shoulders rise, their hands fidget, or their voice tremble. 

• Excessive justification: They might offer long, elaborate explanations for very small things. 

• Sudden withdrawal: They may retreat or go silent once they realise they have been caught. 

These are not signs of manipulation but of emotional overload. The child’s nervous system is signalling a need for protection from the feeling of being ‘bad’. 

Responding with Connection, Not Correction 

When you sense that shame is behind a lie, the goal is not to expose the falsehood but to soothe the underlying emotion. Speak gently and keep your tone neutral. For example, you might say: 

‘It sounds like it was very hard for you to tell me what really happened. I understand that; being honest can feel scary sometimes.’ 

Such words can lower a child’s defensiveness and reopen the lines of trust. Once they are calm, you can explore accountability together: ‘I appreciate you telling me the truth now. Let us think about what we can do to make things right.’ This approach teaches them that truth and love can coexist and that making a mistake does not mean they will lose their sense of belonging. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam honours truthfulness but also recognises human weakness. The purpose of honesty in faith is not perfection but purification, which involves gently guiding the heart away from fear and towards sincerity. A parent who sees the shame behind a lie mirrors Allah Almighty’s mercy by distinguishing the action from the soul. 

Divine Mercy for Human Error 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nisa (4), Verse 110: 

‘And whoever undertakes sinful acts or wrongs himself, then seeks forgiveness from Allah (Almighty); he will find that Allah (Almighty) is Most Forgiving and Most Merciful.’ 

This verse reminds us that mistakes do not have to define a person. When a child lies out of shame, they are not rejecting truth but are fearing rejection. The verse teaches that Allah Almighty welcomes our return to Him, not our perfection. Likewise, when you respond to dishonesty with mercy and guidance, you mirror this divine forgiveness, turning an error into an opportunity for growth. 

The Prophetic Example of Covering Faults 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1425, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever covers the fault of a Muslim, Allah will cover his fault in this world and the Hereafter.’ 

This hadith teaches that showing compassion in moments of weakness brings divine covering. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ always corrected others gently and never sought to humiliate them. He saw beyond the mistake to the intention and the struggle that lay beneath. Applying this wisdom in parenting means protecting your child’s dignity even when you are addressing a wrong, showing them that your love remains steady even when their truthfulness wavers. 

Seeing the shame behind a lie transforms the entire dynamic of discipline. Instead of breaking trust, you have the opportunity to build it. You teach your child that honesty is not about avoiding punishment but about feeling safe enough to be real. 

When you listen beneath the surface of excuses and defensiveness, you will often find a small, scared heart that is longing to be understood. Responding with empathy does not mean excusing the wrongdoing; it means guiding with mercy. This blend of truth and compassion mirrors divine wisdom, reflecting the way Allah Almighty teaches us through forgiveness, not fear. Over time, your child will internalise this lesson: that mistakes are not final, and honesty is always a doorway back to love.