How do we respond when our child plays us off against each other? 

Parenting Perspective 

Every parent will inevitably experience the moment when a child declares, “But Mum lets me!” or “Dad said I could!” This is generally not born of malice; it is a developing strategy. Children are quick to notice even minor inconsistencies and will leverage them to their advantage. What starts as harmless testing can rapidly create division, resentment, and a complete blurring of authority. The true challenge is not merely to stop this manipulation, but to transform the situation into a valuable lesson in honesty, unity, and fundamental respect. 

When parents respond to these tactics calmly and with an absolute front of consistency, they are actively teaching their child that truth and teamwork far outweigh any immediate, short-term win. 

Recognising the Underlying Behaviour 

When a child attempts to pit one parent against the other, the cause is usually not genuine rebellion it is often insecurity. They are testing the true location of power and investigating whether the family’s established rules can be shifted to suit their momentary desires. This behaviour signals a key opportunity for guidance, not a cause for anger. The core goal is to demonstrate that the love and structure within the family are not resources to be exploited, but a secure foundation to be trusted. 

Before reacting, parents must remind themselves: your child is not an opponent. They are a learner who is exploring how relationships and authority function. This crucial reframing enables you to guide rather than retaliate. 

Responding as a Unified Team in the Moment 

If your child tries to play you against your spouse, avoid any immediate judgment or accusation. Instead, respond with unity and composure: “Hmm, we must check with Dad first,” or “That is a decision we will make together.” Even if you strongly suspect your child is stretching the truth, do not accuse them in front of the other parent. Simply pause the discussion until both parents can speak privately. 

Later, once the facts have been calmly confirmed, explain to the child: “When you tell one of us something different from the other, it causes confusion. We love you very much, but honesty and teamwork help everyone in our home feel respected.” 

This deliberate approach teaches the child a vital lesson: that truth is the consistent force that maintains peace a lesson far more consequential than any temporary rule or privilege gained. 

Align Privately, Not Publicly 

When disagreements between parents occur, they must be resolved in private. Never correct or criticise the other parent in front of the child; doing so instantly undermines both parental authority and the child’s emotional security. Even if your spouse grants permission that you strongly disagree with, you must stand by the decision in the moment. Later, discuss how to align for the next time. Consistency in front of the child is always more valuable than being immediately and publicly correct. 

If your child consistently observes you and your spouse presenting an unwavering united front, the incentive to manipulate quickly dissolves. They come to the clear realisation that both parents are on the same team the team that exists solely for their ultimate growth and goodness. 

Reinforcing Honesty and Accountability 

Children learn integrity through repeated, calm, and loving correction. When you catch them trying to play sides, gently call out the behaviour without shaming: “I understand you really wanted that permission, but honesty matters more than immediately getting your way.” Following this, model forgiveness and fairness. A firm but kind response teaches the child that lying or manipulation damages trust yet trust can always be intentionally rebuilt through truthfulness. 

Spiritual Insight 

Family harmony is spiritually dependent upon sincerity, fairness, and cooperation. Islam places an immensely high value on truthfulness and unity, both of which are absolutely essential to successful parenting. A home that is internally divided by manipulation cannot possibly nurture genuine peace. Conversely, when parents stand together in truth, they embody a spiritual reflection of justice and compassion as beautifully taught in Islam. 

Truth as Protection in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Ahzaab (33), Verse 70: 

‘O those of you, who are believers, seek piety from Allah (Almighty) and always speak with words of blatant accuracy.‘ 

This divine command reminds us that truthfulness (Sidq) is not only a moral virtue but a profound act of protection. When parents commit to truth in their words, in their disciplinary choices, and in their agreements they shield their entire family from internal confusion and conflict. The child learns, by example, that truth builds safety, while deceit immediately erodes it. Each honest decision consciously reinforces a divine order within the home. 

Unity and Trust in the Teachings of the Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1971, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Truthfulness leads to righteousness, and righteousness leads to Paradise. A man continues to speak the truth until he is recorded with Allah as truthful.’ 

This Hadith powerfully emphasises truth as the absolute foundation of character. When parents uphold honesty and model consistency with one another, the child internalises the fact that truth builds trust, while manipulation destroys it. It serves as a vital reminder to both parents and children that sincerity is a fundamental moral path leading directly to Allah Almighty’s pleasure. 

Children who learn that their parents cannot be successfully divided develop deep respect and lasting emotional stability. They realise that honesty genuinely earns connection, while manipulation inevitably brings distance. Over time, this crucial understanding extends beyond the home, shaping their relationships with teachers, friends, and ultimately with Allah Almighty Himself. 

Parents, too, find immense peace when they remember that their unity is an act of worship. Each time you and your spouse align your response after being tested by your child’s tactics, you are not merely maintaining authority you are actively modelling the moral discipline that Islam calls Taqwa (God-consciousness). 

So, when your child tries to play you off one another, respond not with immediate frustration but with immediate and calm unity. Show them that truth is sacred, love is stable, and that their parents are unwavering allies in nurturing their heart. This steady, faith-guided partnership becomes the firm ground from which your child learns lasting integrity the foundation of character that endures long after childhood ends.