How do I make repair (not punishment) do the heavy lifting? 

Parenting Perspective 

When a child misbehaves, by breaking something, telling a lie, or hurting a sibling, our instinct is often to punish them. A punishment can feel like an immediate response; it shows our disapproval and it gives a sense of structure. But a punishment alone will rarely help to transform a child’s character. True growth can come from an act of repair, an action that restores, rebuilds, and reconnects. An act of repair can teach a sense of responsibility through empathy, not through fear. It can turn a wrongdoing into a moral lesson, allowing a child to experience the power of making things right, rather than just ‘paying the price’ for their actions. 

Redefine the Meaning of Discipline 

The act of discipline should not be about control, but about guidance. When you are able to shift your focus from punishment to repair, you are saying to your child: 

‘The goal of this is not to make you feel bad, but to help you to learn how to fix what has gone wrong.’ 

This approach can help to keep the dignity of both the parent and the child intact, transforming a moment of tension into one of teaching. 

Link the Act of Repair to the Behaviour 

An effective act of repair should be specific, related to the original action, and restorative. 

• If a child has broken something in anger, they can help to mend or to replace it. 

• If they have spoken disrespectfully, they can practise a more respectful phrase or can make a kind gesture toward the person they have hurt. 

• If they have wasted their food, they can help to prepare or to serve the next meal in a thoughtful way. 

This can teach a sense of accountability through contribution, not through loss. The message that they receive becomes, ‘You have the power to make things right.’ 

Keep Your Tone Empathetic, Not Accusatory 

An act of repair will only work when a child feels safe enough to engage with it. You should try to avoid any language that is based on shaming them, such as, ‘Look at what you have done!’ Instead, you could say: 

‘What do you think we can do to fix this?’ 

You are inviting your child to reflect on their actions, not to become resistant. Over time, this kind of a dialogue can help to shape their conscience, the internal voice that helps us to choose what is right, even when no one is watching. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, the act of repair, or islah, is at the very heart of righteousness. Allah Almighty values those who seek to reconcile after a wrongdoing, as tawbah, or repentance, and islah go hand in hand. A punishment may help to restrain a person, but an act of repair can help to purify them. Teaching a child to restore what they have harmed mirrors the quality of divine wisdom, a justice that is balanced by mercy, a consequence that is fulfilled through compassion. 

Restoring Harmony in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verse 10: 

‘Indeed, the believers are brothers (to each other); so, make peace with your brothers; and seek piety from Allah (Almighty) so that you may receive His Mercy.’ 

This verse places the act of repair above that of retribution, with reconciliation being a mark of a true faith. In our homes, guiding our children to ‘make things right’, instead of simply ‘serving their time’, can plant the seed of empathy that can help to keep their hearts united. 

The Beauty of Reconciliation in the Teachings of the Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4919, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Shall I not tell you of something more excellent in degree than fasting, prayer, and charity?’ They said, ‘Yes.’ He said, ‘Reconciling between people, for discord destroys things.’ 

This Hadith elevates the act of reconciliation to one of the highest moral acts. Teaching children how to repair their relationships mirrors this prophetic principle, that restoring a sense of peace is more valuable than any punishment. Through the act of repair, they can learn that their actions hold the power to heal, as well as to harm. 

When an act of repair replaces a punishment, your home can become a place of transformation, not just of transaction. Every mistake can become a lesson in empathy, and every act of repair can become an act of faith in the goodness of your child. Spiritually, you are teaching your child how to live as an agent of islah, one who mends, not one who breaks, one who rebuilds, not one who punishes.