What works when removing privileges just breeds secret rule-breaking? 

Parenting Perspective 

When removing your child’s privileges, such as their screen time or their devices, only drives them to break the rules secretly, it is a sign that fear has replaced a sense of trust. The child is not learning a sense of accountability; they are only learning a sense of concealment. While consequences are important, they must be paired with an emotional connection and a sense of guided autonomy. Otherwise, an act of discipline can become a battle of power, rather than an opportunity for growth. The goal is not to have a tighter control, but a wiser sense of guidance, with boundaries that teach your child to follow their conscience, not to rebel. 

Shift the Focus from Fear to Responsibility 

When their privileges are removed, children can often feel that they are being punished, rather than being corrected. You can start by reframing your intention. 

‘I am not taking this away from you to cause you hurt. I am just pressing pause until I can trust you to handle it responsibly again.’ 

This reframing can turn the consequence into an invitation to rebuild your trust, rather than to hide their defiance. 

Balance the Consequence with a Sense of Connection 

After you have set a limit, it is important to maintain a sense of warmth and availability. You can have short check ins with them, rather than creating a cold distance. 

‘I know that this is hard for you, but you can earn it back. I believe in you.’ 

A sense of disconnection can breed secrecy, whereas a feeling of connection can keep your influence alive. A child who feels secure in your love is far less likely to sneak around or to deceive you, because your approval will still matter to them. 

Use a Collaborative Approach to Problem Solving 

When the same rule breaking is repeated, you can invite your child to be a part of the solution. 

‘The rule that we have about screen time is not working. What could we do to help you to be more honest about it?’ 

This does not mean that you should let your child lead the discussion, but it does give them a stake in the change that you want to see. When children are able to co-design the solutions to a problem, they are more likely to take a sense of ownership over their actions, instead of trying to work around your authority. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, guidance, or hidayah, works through rahmah, or mercy, not through domination. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ nurtured a sense of reform through the building of relationships, correcting people firmly but never severing his connection with them. When our discipline creates a sense of secrecy in our children, their soul can lose sight of its sincerity, or ikhlas. The aim, therefore, should be to align our discipline with our child’s spiritual growth, to cultivate an inner sense of honesty before Allah Almighty, not just an outward compliance before their parents. 

Sincerity Over Secrecy in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hadeed (57), Verse 13: 

‘On that Day (of Resurrection) the hypocrite men and the hypocrite women shall say to those people who are believers; “(Please) cast your (eyes of) grace upon us so that we may absorb (and amplify ourselves with the endowment of) your light”; It will be said to them: “Turn back around from where you came, then try and discover the light”…’ 

This verse warns of an outward conformity that can hide an inner dishonesty. Teaching your child to value sincerity, to act in the right way even when they are unseen, can help to prevent the spiritual habit of hypocrisy. A parenting style that is built on love and fairness can nurture a truthfulness that will last far beyond your supervision. 

The Power of Gentle Correction in the Teachings of the Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ 

It is recorded in Sunan Nisai, Hadith 4199, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Religion is sincerity to Allah, His Book, His Messenger, and to the people.’ 

This Hadith shows that sincerity, or nasihah, is at the very heart of all faith and of all of our relationships. When you help your child to be truthful, even after they have lost their privileges, you are not just fixing their behaviour; you are cultivating a sincerity of the heart. You are teaching them that real integrity is about doing what is right for the sake of Allah Almighty, not just to avoid a consequence. 

When removing your child’s privileges leads to a secret rebellion, the answer is not to impose a harsher control, but to seek a deeper connection with them. You can try replacing your suspicion with communication, and your punishments with a sense of partnership. You can show them that honesty will bring about a restoration of your trust in them much faster than concealment ever could.