How do I protect the target child without labelling the other as the bully? 

Parenting Perspective 

When one child keeps targeting another by teasing, excluding, or upsetting them, the instinct to protect is strong. Yet, labelling one child as ‘the bully’ and the other as ‘the victim’ can deepen the divide between them. The child who is doing the bullying may internalise a sense of shame, while the targeted child may begin to feel helpless. The real goal is to stop the behaviour, to protect the vulnerable child, and to restore a sense of fairness, without fixing either child into a permanent role. 

Protect the Child Without Assigning Blame 

Start by making protection your priority. Step in firmly when you see harmful behaviour, but speak in neutral terms. 

‘That behaviour is not okay. Everyone in this home deserves to feel safe.’ 

You should avoid using moral labels like ‘mean’ or ‘cruel’. Instead, you should name the specific actions, not the identity of the child. 

‘You excluded your brother, and that has hurt his feelings.’ 

This language corrects the action without condemning the child. It shows that their behaviour can change and that you believe that both children are capable of doing better. 

Create Physical Space While Maintaining Connection 

If tensions are high, you can create some physical distance by suggesting different play zones or some quiet time apart, but you should ensure that your emotional connection with each child remains intact. You can tell each child privately: 

‘I am helping you both to calm down now so that we can sort this out fairly.’ 

This approach prevents the targeted child from feeling abandoned and the other child from feeling rejected. You are managing the space between them, not choosing sides. 

Nurture Empathy in the Child Who Caused Harm 

Children who target others often carry their own hidden frustration, jealousy, or unmet emotional needs. During a calm moment, you can gently guide them to reflect on their actions. 

‘You seemed very angry earlier. What were you feeling when you said that?’ 

Once their own emotion has been acknowledged, you can discuss how their words or actions affected the other child. 

‘How do you think your sister felt when you said that to her?’ 

Empathy does not excuse the behaviour, but it can help to transform it. By helping them to understand the impact of their choices, you can turn an act of correction into a moment of emotional education. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, every individual is judged by their actions, not by labels. Children, especially, deserve to be given the chance to reform their behaviour and to learn a sense of empathy. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ emphasised the quality of mercy, even towards those who had hurt others, teaching that it is guidance, not condemnation, that brings about transformation. 

Justice with Compassion in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Maaidah (5), Verse 8: 

‘You who are believers, become steadfast (in your devotion) to Allah (Almighty), corroborating all of that which is just; and never let your hatred of any nation prevent you from being just, – let justice prevail, as that is very close to attaining piety…’ 

This verse teaches us the importance of balance, of protection with fairness. When you protect the wronged child but remain just toward the one who has caused the harm, you are enacting this divine principle. Justice in parenting means an accountability that is wrapped in compassion. 

Reform Over Condemmation in the Teachings of the Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4947, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Show mercy to those on earth, and the One above the heavens will show mercy to you.’ 

This Hadith reminds us that mercy is at the heart of correction. When you guide a child who has caused harm with a sense of understanding, rather than with humiliation, you are mirroring the prophetic quality of mercy. This approach not only helps to stop the behaviour, but it also helps to heal both hearts, the one that was hurt and the one that caused the hurt. 

Protecting one child while guiding the other is a delicate balance, but it is also the essence of wise parenting. By naming your children’s actions instead of their identities, by teaching empathy instead of guilt, and by restoring connection instead of creating division, you can nurture a home where accountability and mercy are able to coexist.