How do I react when my child is repeatedly excluded and then lashes out? 

Parenting Perspective 

When your child faces repeated exclusion from games or friend groups and then lashes out in frustration, it can be painful for both of you. You may feel torn between protecting your child’s feelings and correcting their behaviour. The lashing out is not the real issue; it is a symptom of hurt that has been turned outward. Your child’s anger is their shield against loneliness. The goal is to help them to express their pain in healthy ways, while building their resilience and social confidence. 

See the Pain Beneath the Anger 

Children rarely say, ‘I feel left out.’ Instead, they show it through tears, sarcasm, or aggression. When your child lashes out after being excluded, start with empathy, not a reprimand. 

‘It sounds like you felt very hurt when they did not include you.’ 

Naming the emotion helps to calm their nervous system and makes your child feel understood. Once they feel heard, you can gently guide their response. 

‘It is okay to be upset, but it is not okay to hurt others because of it. Let us find a better way to handle that pain.’ 

This helps them to separate the feeling from the behaviour, which is a key emotional skill for life. 

Teach Emotional Regulation Before Correction 

When emotions are running high, any attempts at correction will not be heard. Help your child to calm down first, through deep breathing, quiet time, or movement, and talk to them later. Once they are feeling steady, you can discuss what happened. 

‘What was it that made you most upset? What could you do next time you feel left out?’ 

Encourage strategies like walking away, finding a supportive friend, or talking to a trusted adult. Teaching them calm responses gives them the tools to navigate hurt without aggression. 

Model Empathy and Dignity in Your Own Reactions 

Your own reaction matters. Avoid blaming the other children or labelling them as ‘mean’. Instead, model a fair and balanced response. 

‘Sometimes people make poor choices, but we can still choose to respond with kindness.’ 

Your child learns strength through your composure. By embodying grace, you show them that dignity is not lost through exclusion; it is proven through restraint. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, being excluded or wronged by others is a moment that calls for deep moral strength. Allah Almighty reminds us that our honour comes not from the approval of people, but from steadfastness, patience, and dignity. Teaching your child to respond with calm and forgiveness turns their pain into an opportunity for growth and faith. 

Responding to Hurt with Grace in the Noble Quran 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Fussilat (41), Verse 34: 

‘And the good actions cannot be equivalent to the mistaken action; (therefore) repel (your mistaken action) with that which is a good action; so, when (you discover) that there is enmity between you and them, (your patience and resilience shall transform them) as if he was a devoted friend.’ 

This verse guides believers to respond to harm not with retaliation, but with goodness. Teaching your child to meet exclusion with composure and kindness helps to build a moral beauty that can transform hearts and situations. It shows them that their worth remains untouched by the rejection of others. 

Enduring Pain with Faith in the Teachings of the Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 4186, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Whoever restrains his anger while able to act upon it, Allah will fill his heart with contentment on the Day of Resurrection.’ 

This Hadith beautifully links restraint with a divine reward. It reminds both parent and child that self control in moments of pain is not weakness, but a strength that is honoured by Allah Almighty. By guiding your child to hold back their anger and choose a peaceful response, you are helping them to earn both inner and spiritual contentment. 

Exclusion hurts, but within that hurt lies an opportunity to cultivate emotional and spiritual maturity. When you respond to your child’s lashing out with calm empathy and steady correction, you can turn their humiliation into a moment of healing. You teach them that they are not defined by the acceptance of others, but by their own character and faith. Each time you help them to rise above their anger, you are planting the seeds of ihsan, or excellence in character.