What works when praise for one child makes another stop listening? 

Parenting Perspective 

When you praise one child and see another instantly shut down, you are witnessing a common chain reaction: praise triggers a sense of comparison, comparison can feel like a threat, and that feeling can lead to disengagement. The goal is not to reduce your praise, but to reshape it so it fuels effort in both children rather than a sense of competition. 

Focus on Process, Not Personality 

Praise that sounds like a fixed label, such as ‘You are so smart,’ can invite comparison. It is more effective to praise the process you want both children to adopt: the effort, the strategy, or the patience they showed. For example, instead of a general comment, you could say, ‘You re-read the question and found your mistake. That was great thinking.’ This tells the other child what specific action led to success, rather than making them feel they lack a certain quality. 

Build a Bridge to Include the Other Child 

Immediately after praising one child, you can add a neutral, forward-looking sentence that keeps the other sibling inside the circle of growth. For example, ‘That trick of rereading the question could help with your essay too. Shall I show you both how it works?’ This bridge line turns the praise into a shared resource rather than a ranking, preventing the feeling that one child is in the spotlight while the other is in the shadow. 

Celebrate Progress Privately 

It can be helpful to create brief, individual moments of feedback so that victories are not performed in front of a sibling. You can celebrate one child’s progress in a one-to-one conversation, and then later invite the other to set their own small, parallel goal. When progress is kept personal and the goals are sized correctly for each child, praise does not feel like a scoreboard. 

Normalise Feelings and Guide Behaviour 

You can give your children the language to express their feelings in these moments. You might say to the quiet sibling, ‘It is okay to feel a pinch when someone else is praised. You can tell me how you feel, and we can think about your own next step.’ This validates their emotion while steering them back towards positive action. You can pair this with a simple house rule: ‘We can feel anything we like, but we must always show kindness.’ 

Practise Giving Praise as a Family 

You can practise this skill during low-stakes times. Once a day, you could have a 60-second ‘praise round’, where each person offers one piece of effort-based praise to someone else in the family. This trains children to notice the good effort in others, which can soften envy into admiration. 

Spiritual Insight 

A child’s envy in the face of praise is a mirror of a larger spiritual test: whether we choose to compare our gifts with others, or to convert them into our own gratitude and effort. Islam calls us to acknowledge blessings without provoking rivalry, and to turn our admiration for others into an imitation of their good deeds. The way you word your praise at home can nurture hearts that are able to celebrate the successes of others. 

Turning Admiration into Action 

The Quran reminds us to shift our focus from wishing for what others have to working on our own portion. Praise that is focused on the process does exactly that. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nisa (4), Verse 32: 

‘And do not begrudge what benefactions have been given by Allah (Almighty), some of you instead of others; for the men is a share of what they have earnt (through their hard work), and for the women, is a share of what they have earnt (through their hard work)…’ 

This approach points every child towards the next good action that is within their reach, anchoring their sense of worth in their deeds rather than in comparison. 

Gratitude that Includes Others 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught that appreciating the efforts of other people is, in itself, a part of worship. In family life, this means praising without belittling, and coaching each child to thank a sibling for a teachable moment. 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 1954, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He who does not thank people does not thank Allah.’ 

This spirit of gratitude can turn the spotlight of praise into a shared light for the whole family. 

When praise is specific, bridged, and individually measured, the listening child hears a path forward, not a final verdict. You are teaching them that achievement is a teachable method, not a fixed identity. If one child is facing bigger hurdles, you can shrink their targets so that wins are both possible and visible. Fairness is not sameness. It is giving each child the right-sized ladder for them, and then celebrating every single rung they climb. 

Children borrow our eyes. When you praise their effort with warmth, add a bridge line to include their sibling, and protect each child’s dignity, they learn to celebrate without comparing and to listen without shrinking. This is how a home can move from, ‘Praise makes me stop listening,’ to, ‘Praise shows me what to try next,’ a shift that grows skill, softens hearts, and nurtures a gratitude to Allah Almighty for every small step forward.