How do I respond when my child insists I favour their sibling in decisions? 

Parenting Perspective 

Hearing your child say, ‘You always take their side!’ or ‘You like them more than me!’ can be a deeply piercing moment. It can feel unfair, especially when you know your love runs equally deep for all your children. In your child’s eyes, however, a recent decision has felt like proof of a preference. These moments are not about favouritism, but about perception, emotion, and a child’s longing for reassurance. How you respond determines whether they walk away feeling unseen or secure. 

The Emotion Behind the Accusation 

When a child insists that you favour a sibling, they are expressing hurt, not logic. The statement, ‘You love them more,’ usually translates to: ‘I feel left out, unseen, or less important right now.’ Their sense of fairness has been shaken, and they are seeking to restore their emotional balance. Understanding this emotional need helps you to avoid reacting defensively. They are not accusing you of injustice, but inviting you to see the situation through their eyes. 

Empathy Before Argument 

Instead of immediately denying their claim, it is important to pause and respond with gentleness. A defensive reply like, ‘That is not true!’ often dismisses the emotion behind the words. 

Begin with empathy: 

‘It sounds like you feel I take your sibling’s side sometimes. That must really hurt you.’ 

After a brief pause, you can continue softly, ‘I want you to know that I love you both so deeply, and my decisions are not about choosing one over the other. I make them based on what is fair in the moment, not on who I love more.’ This approach acknowledges their feeling while calmly clarifying your intent. 

Clarifying Fairness with Calm Consistency 

Children often mistake different treatment for unfair treatment. One child might need more supervision while another needs more freedom. When your child complains of bias, avoid over-explaining. Simply affirm calmly, ‘Sometimes I make different decisions because you and your sibling have different needs. Fair does not always mean the same; it means giving what is best for each of you.’ 

If they remain upset, do not escalate the situation. Your tone of calm conviction will speak louder than any repetition. 

Reconnecting After the Tension 

Later, when your child is calm, take a moment for a quiet connection. It could be a walk, a story, or a conversation before bed. During that time, you can reaffirm your bond by saying, ‘I know my decisions can feel hard sometimes, but I always want you to feel loved and understood. You are very important to me.’ This reassurance helps to soften any lingering hurt. Your calm consistency will eventually outweigh any temporary feelings of unfairness. 

Spiritual Insight 

When a child questions your fairness, it touches upon a core principle of faith: justice balanced with mercy. Parenting can mirror a divine wisdom, where what sometimes looks unequal is actually perfectly tailored. Remaining calm and just in these moments is a reflection not only of your parenting skill, but of your spiritual strength. 

Justice Guided by Mercy 

The Quran reminds us that justice, even in small family moments, is an act of faith. When you respond calmly and fairly to your child’s accusation, you are practising this very command. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Maaidah (5), Verse 8: 

‘You who are believers, become steadfast (in your devotion) to Allah (Almighty), corroborating all of that which is just; and never let your hatred of any nation prevent you from being just, – let justice prevail, as that is very close to attaining piety…’ 

Your patience in such moments becomes a living example of this verse, showing that true justice must always be rooted in compassion. 

The Prophetic Example of Fairness 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught that our true worth is measured by our inner state and our intentions, a principle that is the spiritual essence of fairness. 

It is recorded in Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith 4143, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Allah does not look at your bodies nor at your forms, but He looks at your hearts and your deeds.’ 

This Hadith is a beautiful reminder that when a child feels there is favouritism, true justice, like true love, is measured by our intention and sincerity, not by outward appearances. When you respond calmly and act from a pure heart, you are embodying the prophetic ideal of a fairness that is rooted in goodness and purpose, not just perception. 

When your child accuses you of favouring their sibling, it can shake your heart. Each time you respond with gentleness, however, you show them that love is not a competition; it is a constant. Your calmness teaches them that being fair does not mean treating everyone the same, but treating everyone with individual care. 

Over time, your consistency will heal their doubts. They will remember not the disagreement, but the warmth in your eyes when you said, ‘I love you both completely.’ For you, every moment of restraint becomes an act of worship, a reflection of divine justice and prophetic mercy in the quiet art of parenting with patience, love, and unwavering fairness.