What can I do when my child keeps repeating “It’s not fair” after a refusal? 

Parenting Perspective 

Few phrases can test a parent’s calm quite like the repeated cry of, ‘It is not fair!’, especially after you have already explained your decision. You might feel your frustration building, and be tempted to snap back with, ‘Life is not fair!’ This moment, however, is not really about fairness; it is about a child who is wrestling with disappointment and trying to find a sense of control through repetition. Your composed tone in this situation becomes the quiet teacher of patience, gratitude, and a more mature perspective. 

Understanding the Emotional Loop 

When your child repeats the phrase, ‘It is not fair,’ they are often stuck in what psychologists call an ‘emotional loop’. Their mind is fixated on a perceived injustice, and their heart feels overwhelmed by a sense of loss. The phrase becomes a way for them to vent their feelings, not a genuine request for a new explanation. Recognising this can help you to avoid overreacting or over-explaining. They do not need more logic; they need your steadiness to help them exit the loop. 

A Calm and Validating Script 

Instead of countering their frustration with an argument, it is best to begin with empathy. Speak softly and slowly, saying, ‘I can see that you feel this is not fair. You are very upset about my decision.’ 

After a brief pause to let the tension ease, you can reaffirm your boundary gently but clearly: ‘I understand it is hard, but my answer will stay the same. Sometimes we cannot have everything we want, and that is okay.’ This simple combination of empathy and firmness can reduce their emotional resistance. You are showing them that while their feelings are allowed, their persistence will not change the boundary. 

The Power of Brief and Consistent Responses 

Children often interpret long, reasoned arguments as a form of negotiation. The more you justify your decision, the more they may believe that the rule can be changed. It is better to keep your answers brief and consistent. If they continue to repeat, ‘It is not fair!’, you can respond with the same calm script each time: ‘I know you think it is unfair, and I have heard you. My answer is not going to change, but I am here for you when you are ready to calm down.’ This steady response creates a sense of predictability, something children subconsciously crave even while they are resisting it. 

Reflection After the Storm 

Once the emotion has passed, it is helpful to revisit the moment gently, not to lecture, but to help your child grow in perspective. You might say, ‘Earlier, you said things were not fair. I understand why you felt that way, as rules and limits can feel hard sometimes. Being fair, however, does not always mean saying yes. Sometimes, love means doing what is best for you, even when it feels difficult.’ This post-moment reflection helps to connect their feeling to a deeper understanding, turning frustration into wisdom. 

Spiritual Insight 

Moments like these, when your patience feels thin and your child’s repetition feels endless, are the perfect training ground for sabr. True patience is not the absence of irritation, but the mastery of it. It is the calm steadiness that transforms a moment of irritation into one of teaching, and resistance into reflection. 

Fairness from a Divine Perspective 

The Quran reminds us that fairness in life is not about an equality of outcome, but about purpose and growth. Just as Allah Almighty tests each person differently according to His wisdom, parents must also guide each child according to their unique needs. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Anbiyaa (21), Verse 35: 

‘Every soul shall taste mortal expiration; and We (Allah Almighty) shall test you, with the tribulations of going through the bad and the good times; and to Us you shall return.’ 

Your calmness reflects this divine balance. By holding steady, you are teaching your child that fairness is not about sameness, but about what nurtures the soul, even when it feels uncomfortable. 

Patience as a Guiding Light 

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ taught that patience is a source of spiritual light, a principle that can be a powerful guide in difficult parenting moments. 

It is recorded in Sunan Nisai, Hadith 2431, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Patience is light.’ 

Your restraint in a moment of repeated protest becomes a light, illuminating a path of understanding where frustration could have cast a shadow. Each calm response shines as a quiet strength, showing your child that peace can exist even in disappointment. 

When your child keeps repeating, ‘It is not fair!’, remember that they are not trying to defy you; they are learning to cope with boundaries. Your steady tone teaches them that fairness is not about always agreeing, but about being guided with love and consistency. Over time, your calmness will become their model for how to face life’s limits, not with resentment, but with grace. 

For you, every act of restraint in these moments becomes a reflection of your faith, turning frustration into light, and parenting into a form of worship through patience, compassion, and a quiet conviction.