What do I say when my child yells “I hate you” after I say no? 

Parenting Perspective 

Hearing your own child shout the words, ‘I hate you,’ can be a deeply cutting experience. It can feel very personal, like a painful rejection of all of your love and of your sacrifice. In truth, however, those words do not usually come from a place of real hatred; they come from a place of deep hurt and of frustration. Your child is feeling overwhelmed by their emotion in that moment and has reached for the most powerful words that they know in order to express it. Understanding this simple truth can help you to respond to them with a sense of wisdom, not from a place of your own wounded pride. 

Understanding What Lies Behind the Words 

When a child says, ‘I hate you,’ they are often really trying to say, ‘I am so angry right now,’ or ‘I feel completely powerless in this situation.’ Young children in particular can lack the vocabulary they need to be able to express their strong emotions, and so they will often resort to using these kinds of extreme words instead. This is not a true reflection of your relationship with them; it is a reflection of their own emotional immaturity. Recognising this can allow you to hear the feeling that lies beneath the phrase, instead of just reacting to its sting. 

How to Remain Grounded in the Moment 

The first and most important step to take in these situations is to remain silent for a few seconds. Do not rush in to try to defend yourself or to scold them for their words. Simply take a deep breath for yourself. Those few seconds can be enough to protect your relationship from any unnecessary words that might only serve to worsen the moment. You can then respond to them in a calm and a clear way: ‘I know that you are feeling very angry because I have said no, but those words are very hurtful. I will still love you, even when you are feeling upset.’ This type of response helps to model two vital lessons: a sense of respect and a sense of unconditional love. 

The Importance of Repair and Reflection Afterwards 

When things have had a chance to calm down again, you can revisit the incident with your child. It is a good idea to sit close to them, to maintain a sense of warmth in your tone, and to speak to them in a gentle way: ‘You were very upset earlier, and you said something very hurtful to me. I do understand that you were feeling angry, but our words can still hurt other people. What could you say next time instead?’ You can then encourage your child to come up with some better and more accurate phrases to use, such as, ‘I am feeling so mad right now,’ or ‘I really do not like that.’ This can help them to build their own emotional vocabulary and can teach them a sense of accountability without having to shame them. 

Spiritual Insight 

A child’s angry words can be a test not only of our own patience, but also of our spiritual depth. In that moment, Allah is not only watching our reaction to the situation; He is also helping to refine our own hearts. The act of staying calm and of feeling love in the face of a personal hurt is one of the most profound forms of sabr (patience). It is an act that can turn our own emotional pain into a means of spiritual growth. 

Responding to Harsh Words with a Sense of Dignity 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Furqaan (25), Verse 63: 

‘And the true servants of the One Who is Most Beneficent are those who wander around the Earth with humility; and when they are addressed by the ignorant people, they say: “Peace be unto you”.’ 

This verse teaches us that the act of responding to a feeling of hurt with a sense of calmness and of peace is the mark of a true believer. When your child lashes out at you with their painful words and you are able to respond to them in a gentle way, you are embodying the very character of the ‘servants of the Most Merciful.’ 

The Prophetic Example of a Forgiving Heart 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 6114, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong believer is not he who overcomes others, but he who controls himself while in anger.’ 

This hadith reminds us that our control over our own emotions is what defines our true strength. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ himself had to endure many harsh words from other people, and yet he always responded to them with a sense of mercy and of composure. 

When your child yells, ‘I hate you,’ they are testing not so much your authority, but your emotional steadiness. In that highly charged moment, your own calmness can become the doorway that leads them back to a sense of connection with you. You are showing them that your love for them does not vanish when their feelings become loud, and that your relationship is in fact stronger than their anger. 

Each time that you are able to respond to them with a sense of patience, you are not just stopping a meltdown in its tracks; you are helping to build your child’s moral and emotional foundation. They are learning from you that while their words may have a certain power, your love has much more. One day, when they are all grown up, they may not remember what it was that they shouted at you, but they will remember how you were able to stay so calm.