What calm response can I give when my child calls me names after a refusal? 

Parenting Perspective 

Few things can pierce a parent’s heart as deeply as hearing hurtful words from their own child. When your child calls you names after being refused something, it is easy to feel disrespected or even betrayed. Yet in that heated moment, your own sense of calmness is far more powerful than any punishment could ever be. This is not a battle of authority; it is a chance to teach the meaning of respect through your own composure and wisdom. 

Seeing Beyond the Words Themselves 

When your child lashes out with rude words, it is important to remember that it is not a true reflection of how they feel about you. It is an immature attempt to release a feeling of frustration. Young children can often use their words in the same way that a toddler might throw their toys, impulsively and without a full understanding of their impact. Recognising this can help you to stay grounded in a sense of empathy, rather than taking the insult in a personal way. 

Holding Your Ground Without Retaliating 

Your own calm reaction in these moments will do more to teach your child than any lecture ever could. The first and most crucial step is to pause and to take one deep breath before you reply. This pause can help you to shift from a state of reacting to one of teaching. You can then speak to them in a slow and firm voice: ‘I can see that you are feeling very angry right now, but calling me names is not an acceptable thing to do. We must always speak to each other in a respectful way in this home.’ It is best to avoid arguing or moralising in the heat of the moment. 

Revisiting the Incident When Calm Returns 

When your child has had a chance to calm down, that is when the real learning can happen. It is helpful to sit beside them, not across from them, and to speak in a gentle voice: ‘When you called me that name earlier, it hurt my feelings. I know that you were upset because I had said no, but our words can still hurt people. Next time, you can try to tell me that you are feeling angry, instead of saying something unkind.’ This approach helps to hold them accountable for their words without having to shame them. You are teaching them that while respect is non-negotiable, your love for them remains constant. 

Spiritual Insight 

There will be moments in our parenting journey when our patience feels as though it has been stretched to its very limit, and the sting of a child’s words may linger in our hearts. However, in Islam, the qualities of calmness and of forgiveness in these moments are not seen as signs of weakness, but as acts of devotion. The ability to stay composed while under an emotional attack is a reflection of the spiritual strength that is praised by Allah Almighty, and of the prophetic gentleness that is able to nurture our hearts, rather than to harden them. 

Responding to Hurt with a Sense of Grace 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Furqaan (25), Verse 63: 

‘And the true servants of the One Who is Most Beneficent are those who wander around the Earth with humility; and when they are addressed by the ignorant people, they say: “Peace be unto you”.’ 

This verse beautifully mirrors the emotional restraint that is required in our parenting. When your child speaks to you in a harsh way, your choice to respond with calm words of peace is a way of aligning yourself with the very qualities of the ‘servants of the Most Merciful.’ In that moment, you are not merely avoiding a conflict; you are embodying a sense of mercy and of wisdom that is a reflection of your faith in action. 

The Prophetic Example of a Forgiving Heart 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 6114, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The strong believer is not he who overcomes others, but he who controls himself while in anger.’ 

This hadith reminds us that our control over our own emotions is what defines our true strength. The holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ himself faced many verbal insults from his enemies, and yet his response was never a reactive one. It was always dignified, patient, and forgiving. As parents, following this prophetic example means responding to a child’s harsh words not with a sense of our own wounded pride, but with a composed form of guidance that can lead them back towards a state of goodness. 

Every insult that your child utters in their frustration is a test of both their own emotional maturity and of your spiritual discipline. When you are able to respond with a sense of patience and of measured strength, you are showing them that your love for them does not crumble in the face of their anger; it helps to transform it. 

Your own calmness in these moments becomes their mirror. When they see that you are neither shouting at them nor withdrawing from them, they can begin to understand for themselves that our words carry a real weight, and that our kindness has its own unique power. The very act of holding your own peace when you have been hurt becomes a living lesson for them in dignity, in faith, and in the art of forgiveness. 

Over time, these moments of your own restraint will plant the seeds of a deep and a lasting respect. Your child will learn from your example that our real strength lies not in the loudness of our words, but in the calmness of our hearts. One day, they will be able to recall how you met their hurtful words with a sense of grace, and they will realise that through your patience, they were able to meet the true beauty of our faith in action.