How do I model “pause–name–choose” so kids copy my self-control? 

Parenting Perspective 

Children do not learn the art of self-control from lectures; they learn it from watching it being modelled for them. When you are able to stay calm under pressure, when you pause instead of snapping, and when you speak rather than shout, they absorb those reactions as a normal part of human behaviour. The ‘pause, name, choose’ method gives you a simple way to demonstrate emotional awareness in real time. 

• Pause: Stop for a brief moment when an emotion surges. 

• Name: Identify what it is that you are feeling (‘I am getting frustrated,’ or ‘I feel rushed’). 

• Choose: Act with a clear intention, instead of from a place of pure impulse. 

By modelling this sequence openly and consistently, you can turn the abstract concept of emotional control into something your children can see, understand, and eventually imitate. 

Start by Narrating Your Calm Aloud 

Children learn the most from what they hear and observe in the moment. When you feel a sense of irritation rising, you can say out loud, ‘I am feeling a bit annoyed right now, so I am just going to take a breath before I answer you.’ This short sentence can achieve two things: it slows you down, and it teaches them that calmness is an active choice, not an accident. You are normalising a sense of emotional honesty while also showing them that our feelings are not scary; they are signals that can guide us toward a more thoughtful course of action. 

Model Taking Pauses in Daily Stressful Moments 

You can let your child see you practise the art of the pause when small things go wrong in your day. 

• When you spill something: ‘That is frustrating. Let us clean it up calmly.’ 

• When you are stuck in traffic: ‘I am feeling a bit tense right now, so I will turn on the Quran recitation instead of complaining.’ 

• When your child misbehaves: ‘I need a moment to think before I decide what to do.’ 

These micro-demonstrations show them that self-control is not about silence, but about composure. 

Admit When You Miss the Pause Yourself 

The goal is not perfection; it is humility. If you do happen to snap at your child, you can apologise in an authentic way: ‘I did not pause that time, and I regret speaking to you like that. I will try to do better next time.’ This simple act of honesty teaches two important lessons: that our mistakes do not define us, and that self-control is a skill that we are all constantly refining. Children will always respect this kind of realness far more than they will a facade of constant composure. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that the qualities of sabr (patience) and tadabbur (deliberation) are the foundations of wise behaviour. The ‘pause, name, choose’ habit is a daily practice of both of these virtues, a moment of reflection before a reaction, which allows a sense of mercy to lead our actions instead of anger. 

The Virtue of Calmness as a Divine Gift 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Shuraa (42), Verse 43: 

‘ And for the person who is patient and forgiving, indeed, (these acts are derived from) higher moral determination.‘ 

This verse reminds us that patience is not a passive state; it is a form of strength in motion, a deliberate act of restraint that is chosen over a reaction. When parents are able to model this for their children, they are showing them how faith can transform an emotion into an act of discipline. 

The Strength of Controlling One’s Anger 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 3346, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The one who swallows his anger, Allah will fill his heart with faith.’ 

This hadith perfectly complements the ‘pause, name, choose’ method. Every time you are able to pause instead of reacting, you are ‘swallowing’ your anger in a way that can fill your heart with a sense of serenity and belief. Your calm presence in these moments becomes a living da’wah, a form of silent teaching that is rooted in self-mastery. In that small, visible act, you are shaping not only your child’s emotional habits, but also their spiritual compass.