What Is a Fair Plan When a Child Needs Wrestling but Siblings Do Not? 

Parenting Perspective 

Some children crave bodily contact and deep pressure in order to feel regulated, while their siblings may prefer gentle games or quiet play. Forcing everyone to participate in the same style of play can cause tears and resentment. The solution is to separate the child’s needs from the concept of consent, and then to design the day in a way that allows the sensory-seeking child to get the safe intensity they need, without forcing others into a game they did not choose to play. 

Set the Ground Rule: Consent First, Always 

Establish one simple family rule that everyone can repeat: ‘There is no contact play without a clear “yes”.’ You can teach them a simple start-up check to use with one another. 

Seeker: ‘Are you ready to wrestle?’ 

Other child: ‘Yes’ or ‘No, thank you.’ 

If the answer is ‘no’, the seeker is not being rejected; they are simply redirected to an approved outlet that involves either an adult or a piece of equipment. 

Create Different ‘Lanes’ for Play 

• The Parent Lane. Schedule short, reliable, one-to-one wrestling rounds with a parent. Two or three five-minute sessions a day can often be enough to meet their sensory need. You can keep a visible card on the fridge that shows the day’s available time slots. This predictability helps to reduce the likelihood of surprise tackling. 

• The Peer Lane. Sibling wrestling can only happen with a clear opt-in, within timed rounds, on soft mats, and with a designated stop word. For example, anyone can call ‘Red’, which must end the round instantly. 

• The Solo Lane. When no one is available to play, the seeker can use a ‘power kit’, which might include a crash mat or some beanbags, doing wall pushes, pulling on resistance bands, or doing some bear crawls. You can post a list of these options on the wall so they can get started without needing to ask. 

Establish Clear Rules of Engagement 

Keep the rules short and memorable so they are easy to follow in the heat of the moment. 

• ‘Stop means stop.’ 

• ‘Hands must stay open and below the shoulders.’ 

• ‘We will pause for a breath every 30 seconds.’ 

Practise these rules in calm moments, not during an argument. You can do a ten-second drill where you say the rule, and they show it with their body. 

Offer Siblings Dignified Alternatives 

It is important to offer the other siblings roles that are nearby, so they do not feel like spectators who are under pressure to join in. For example, they could be the ‘time-keeper’ with the kitchen timer, the ‘referee’ who calls out ‘Pause’, or the helper who sets out the cushions. They can also choose to play a non-contact game in a separately marked ‘quiet zone’. Inclusion should never cost a child their safety or comfort. 

Use Rituals and Scripts to Guide Play 

You can create a micro-ritual to start and end each round. Before you begin, take three slow breaths together, bump fists, and say, ‘Strong body, gentle heart.’ After each round, you can give a quick shoulder squeeze, offer one sentence of praise for their self-control, and then move to a calm activity for one minute. This repeatable arc helps to teach the nervous system how to ‘land’ safely after a period of high energy. 

Redirect, Repair, and Review 

If the sensory seeker lunges at a sibling who has already said no, it is important to step in with a low and calm tone: ‘I will not let you wrestle someone who did not choose to play. It is time for the power kit now.’ Try to stay as neutral as possible. Afterwards, you can debrief briefly: ‘Your body really wanted some pressure then. Next time, you need to ask first or use the kit. That is how we keep trust with each other.’ 

A fair plan does not choose one child’s needs over another’s. It honours the fact that different bodies have different needs, and it is built on a foundation of clear consent, reliable outlets, and steady leadership. Your sensory seeker can still get the deep pressure they need, and their siblings can learn that their ‘no’ will always be respected. This is how love stays warm and play stays safe. 

Spiritual Insight 

Fairness in family life requires a blend of compassion and clear boundaries. We want the sensory seeker’s needs to be met, but we must also protect the other children from harm. Islam calls this beautiful balance ihsan with adl, which is excellence joined with justice. 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verses 90: 

‘Indeed, Allah (Almighty) orders you to promote justice and benevolence; and to be generous towards (positively developing) those that are within your jurisdiction; and to prevent that which is immoral, acts of irrationality, and cruelty…’ 

This reminds us that the strength of a family lies in its just limits and its beautiful conduct. Scheduling contact play that is based on consent, and which stops at the call of ‘Red’, is an embodiment of both justice and excellence. 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 40, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘The Muslim is the one from whose tongue and hand people are safe.’ 

This teaches us that true strength never frightens or harms others. When your child learns that their hands are a source of safety, not of surprise tackles, they are living the Prophetic character in their own home. 

You can invite a simple intention before any contact play: ‘O Allah, please make our strength gentle and our hearts fair.’ Frame the parent rounds as an act of service, the sibling opt-in as an act of trust, and the solo power kit as an act of self-leadership. Over time, your sensory seeker will learn that their need for pressure can be honoured without taking from others, and that the most beloved kind of power is the kind that keeps every heart and body safe.