How Do I Coach a Child Who Cannot Gauge Their Own Strength? 

Parenting Perspective 

Some children are loving and enthusiastic but simply misjudge the amount of force they use. They might give a hug that feels like a tackle, a pat that feels like a thump, or accidentally knock into siblings during play. This is rarely a matter of defiance, but more often a delay in the feedback between their brain, muscles, and social awareness. Your goal is to replace their guesswork with clear body rules and sensory feedback, using calm coaching to help them learn to apply just enough strength for any given situation. 

Start With a Shared Definition of ‘Gentle’ 

Children often respond better to tangible examples than to abstract lectures. Define gentleness in a way they can visualise: ‘Gentle means that bodies stay safe, faces keep smiling, and everyone can breathe easily.’ Pair these words with a quick demonstration using a soft toy: show them ‘too soft,’ ‘just right,’ and ‘too hard.’ Let your child copy you so they can feel the difference in their own hands. 

Build a ‘Strength Scale’ They Can Feel 

Create a simple one-to-five scale and rehearse it daily for one minute to build muscle memory. 

1. Feather Touch: For handling pets, babies, and touching faces. 

2. Handshake Gentle: For greetings and high-fives. 

3. Play Gentle: For games like tag and passing a ball indoors. 

4. Sport Strong: For outdoor games that have clear rules. 

5. Maximum Power: For use only with special equipment and adult supervision. 

Practise by squeezing a stress ball while you name the numbers. Ask your child, ‘Can you show me a level two squeeze? Now, show me a level three.’ This gives their muscles a memory of each distinct level of force. 

Use Slow Motion to Train Control 

Speed can often hide the true amount of force being used. Coach your child to move ‘slowly first, then at normal speed.’ When starting a new game, begin in slow motion for thirty seconds while you provide commentary: ‘That was a level two push. Everyone’s face is still smiling. Let us keep it there.’ When the body learns control in slow motion, it is better able to maintain that control at full speed. 

Add Real-Time Body Checks 

Teach your child three quick cues to notice before an accident happens: 

• Breath: ‘If your breathing is getting fast, drop your strength down by one level.’ 

• Hands: ‘If you notice your fists are clenched, open your fingers like a star.’ 

• Faces: ‘If you see a smile disappear, you have probably used too much strength.’ 

You can turn this into a simple call-and-response game. You say, ‘Breath, hands, faces?’ and your child answers, ‘Slow breath, open hands, check faces.’ 

Provide Scripted Phrases That Keep Dignity 

Give your child confident phrases to use so they do not feel like they are scolding themselves. 

• ‘I am switching to level two.’ 

• ‘I am choosing to be in gentle mode now.’ 

• ‘I will slow it down so the game stays fun.’ 

You can practise this with a mini-dialogue: 

Parent: ‘What do you say if you notice your hug is getting too tight?’ 

Child: ‘Switching to level two.’ 

Parent: ‘Can you show me what that feels like?’ 

Practise With Safe Props 

Objects like cushions, resistance bands, and beanbags are excellent for absorbing extra force. Use them for short drills: ‘Let us do ten gentle taps on the cushion at a level two. Now, let us try two passes of the beanbag at a level three without dropping it.’ Achieving success with props can help the skill transfer to interactions with people. 

Set Clear Boundaries and Consequences 

Agree on simple family rules: hands stay open in the house, any throws indoors must be below shoulder height, and a ‘tap out’ is honoured immediately. If your child breaks a rule, keep your tone calm and instructional: ‘That was a level four in a level two space. Let us pause for one minute, then we can try again at level two.’ This consistency teaches them that safety is predictable and non-negotiable. 

Coach Repair, Not Shame 

When accidents do happen, guide your child through a simple repair process: ‘I used too much strength. I am sorry. Are you okay? Next time I will stay at a level two.’ It is important to praise the repair itself: ‘That was very responsible of you.’ This builds empathy and trust between siblings. 

Review and Celebrate Specific Wins 

End the day by highlighting a specific success: ‘I saw you switch to a level two when the game moved near the table. That was a great choice and it kept everyone safe.’ Praising the exact behaviour you want to see helps to grow the neural pathway that makes it more likely to be repeated. 

Spiritual Insight 

In Islam, strength is not the right to overpower others; it is the duty to protect them. Coaching a child to measure their force teaches them humility, mercy, and self-command. These qualities are the very foundations of ihsan, or excellence in conduct. 

Moderation as a Way of Life 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Luqman (31), Verses 19: 

‘And be modest in your attitude and lower your voice (in dealing with people); as indeed, the harshest of all sounds, is the noise of the donkeys.’ 

This verse reminds us that believers should carry themselves with a measured and gentle presence. We model this principle when we help a child slow their movements, soften their tone, and choose the ‘right level’ of energy for the room. Moderation helps to turn a child’s raw energy into a trustworthy strength that keeps relationships safe. 

Ihsan Means Using Power Beautifully 

It is recorded in Riyadh Al Saliheen, Hadith 639, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Verily, Allah has prescribed excellence in everything. If you kill, kill in the best manner. If you slaughter, slaughter in the best manner. Let one of you sharpen his knife so the animal is spared suffering.’ 

This teaches us that excellence (ihsan) is precise, merciful, and always careful of its impact. If even necessary acts must be performed with the utmost gentleness, then a child’s hugs, games, and daily play certainly deserve to be conducted in the ‘best manner.’ Your strength scale, slow-motion practice, and repair scripts are all practical ways of teaching ihsan with the body. 

You can anchor this concept with a simple intention: ‘O Allah, help us use our strength to keep others safe.’ Remind your child that real heroes are those who protect smaller hands and calmer hearts. Over time, they will feel proud of choosing a ‘level two’ when a ‘level four’ might have seemed more impressive, and they will come to see gentleness as a form of mastery, not weakness. In such a home, power is guided by wisdom, play remains joyful, and every sibling knows that love will never arrive like a shove.