How do I make ‘try that again, kinder’ feel normal, not punitive? 

Parenting Perspective 

When children are asked to rephrase something, they can often interpret it as criticism or a source of shame. The aim is to transform the phrase ‘try that again, kinder’ into a routine family skill rather than a punishment. This is achieved by normalising the act of rephrasing when everyone is calm, modelling it yourself, and keeping the cue brief, neutral, and predictable. Over time, it becomes a natural part of your family’s communication. 

Frame it as a Shared Family Skill 

Introduce the idea during a calm moment: ‘In our home, we are all practising how to say things kindly. If anyone’s words come out a bit sharp, any of us can say, “Let us try that again, kinder,” and that includes you saying it to me.’ This approach removes the spotlight from one child and frames rephrasing as a shared family habit. Children are more receptive to correction when the rule clearly applies to everyone. 

Establish a Clear and Simple Cue 

Keep the cue short and say it in the same steady tone of voice each time. You can pair it with a brief, calming ritual, such as making eye contact, softening your voice, and taking one slow breath together. This sequence helps build muscle memory: cue, then breath, then redo. 

You can practise a few simple sentence starters to make it easier: 

• ‘I felt… when you… Please could you…’ 

• ‘I am feeling upset. I need…’ 

• ‘That did not feel good to me. Next time, could we…’ 

Model the Practice Yourself 

Children learn fastest when they hear you correcting your own tone. For example, you might say, ‘That came out sharper than I meant. I will try that again, kinder: Please could you put your shoes by the door?’ This sends a powerful message that adults are also learning and that a ‘redo’ is a normal part of communication, not something shameful. 

Keep Your Tone Neutral 

Avoid loaded phrases like, ‘That was rude,’ or ‘Use your nice voice,’ as they often trigger defensiveness. The simple cue itself is the most effective teaching tool. 

Child: ‘You never listen to me. You are so annoying.’ 

Parent: (Pausing and speaking calmly) ‘Let us try that again, kinder.’ 

Child: (Sighs) ‘I am angry because you interrupted me. Please can you let me finish speaking?’ 

Parent: ‘Thank you. That was clear and respectful. I am listening now.’ 

Practise During Calm Moments 

Spend a few minutes each day role-playing quick redos in a playful way. You can deliberately use a grumpy tone and then model how to rephrase it. By rehearsing this when everyone is calm, you place the tool within easy reach for when a real conflict arises. 

Prioritise Emotional Regulation 

This technique is only effective if a person is calm enough to access their capacity for thoughtful language. Build micro-pauses into your cue by touching your fingertips together for one breath or taking a sip of water. Teach your child to pair the cue with a physical reset: breathe first, then speak. 

Acknowledge Successful Attempts 

After your child successfully rephrases their words, briefly acknowledge the positive impact: ‘Thank you. Your kinder words really helped me to hear you.’ Do not revisit the initial sharp tone; children are more likely to stick with skills that lead to quick and positive outcomes. 

Spiritual Insight 

Our faith encourages us to choose words that build rather than bruise, and to correct others with wisdom and gentleness. Making a ‘redo’ a calm, everyday practice trains the heart to honour others while still communicating truthfully. 

The Wisdom of Choosing the Best Words 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Nahal (16), Verse 125: 

‘Invite (people) to (follow) the (prescribed) pathways of your Sustainer with wisdom, and polite enlightened direction, and only argue with them in the politest manner…’ 

This verse reminds us that guidance is most effective when it is delivered with wisdom and the best possible words. A family cue like ‘try that again, kinder’ is a daily rehearsal of this principle. It does not silence a person’s feelings; it simply shapes the delivery so that the truth can arrive wrapped in mercy. 

The Adornment of Gentleness 

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2594, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Gentleness is not in anything except that it adorns it, and it is not removed from anything except that it disgraces it.’ 

This hadith teaches that gentleness beautifies every action, especially correction. When you ask for a redo softly and model it yourself, you transform an act of discipline into one of dignity. Children learn that true strength in Islam is found in quiet self-command, not in loudness or harshness.