What do I change in my own language so “please” and “thank you” don’t sound performative? 

Parenting Perspective 

Parents rightly encourage their children to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, but over time, these important words can begin to sound empty if they are used mechanically. A rushed ‘please’ tacked on to an order, or a flat ‘thanks’ said without any warmth, can quickly feel performative rather than genuine. Children are perceptive; they can sense when words are being used only for show. If we want our children to grow into people who can express gratitude and make requests with sincerity, we need to model language that reflects real respect and appreciation. 

Match Your Tone with Your Words 

The first and most important shift is to ensure that your tone of voice and your body language align with your words. A clipped ‘Please sit down now!’ feels like a command that is merely dressed up in polite language. Instead, you can soften your tone by saying, ‘Please could you sit here so that we can start our meal together.’ Similarly, it is helpful to make eye contact and smile when you are saying ‘thank you’, so that your words carry a sense of authenticity. 

Use Specific Gratitude Instead of Generic Thanks 

Children respond more deeply when they hear exactly what it is that you are appreciating. Instead of just offering a generic ‘thank you’, you can try being more specific: ‘Thank you for putting your shoes away so quickly. That really helped us to leave the house on time.’ This shows that your gratitude is not just a social ritual but is a genuine recognition of their effort. 

Replace ‘Filler’ Phrases with Clear Requests 

Sometimes the word ‘please’ can get thrown in at the end of a command as an afterthought. Instead of, ‘Clean your room, please,’ you can try rephrasing the entire sentence as a respectful request: ‘Can you please tidy your room before dinner? That way it will be ready for you to relax in later.’ This transforms the word ‘please’ from a tag into a part of a thoughtful and respectful request. 

Add Empathy When Making a Request 

Children can hear sincerity in your voice when they feel that their own perspective matters to you. Instead of saying, ‘Please be quiet, I am feeling tired,’ you could try, ‘I am feeling very tired and I need a little bit of quiet right now. Can you please lower your voice for a while so I can rest?’ This expression of empathy makes the ‘please’ sound real, not forced. 

A Mini-Dialogue Example 

Parent: ‘Please get me some water.’ (in a flat tone) 

Child: (hesitates to respond) 

Parent: ‘Let me try saying that again. Could you please get me a glass of water? I would really appreciate your help.’ 

Child: ‘Okay.’ 

Parent: ‘Thank you so much for helping me. That has made things much easier.’ 

This simple exchange shows how a small shift in tone and wording can make ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ sound genuine rather than empty. By making these small changes, parents can model the idea that courtesy is not about ticking boxes but is about showing genuine respect and appreciation. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islam teaches that sincerity is the heart of all good deeds. Our words of gratitude and our requests should therefore be expressed in a way that is both meaningful and heartfelt. 

Sincere Gratitude Is Loved by Allah Almighty 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Ibraheem (14), Verses 7: 

‘And (remember) when your Sustainer made this declaration; (saying that): “If you show gratitude, I (Allah Almighty) will indeed, amplify them for you (provisions and sustenance); however, if you become ungrateful, then indeed, My punishment is Meticulous (in execution)”.’ 

This verse reminds us that gratitude is only powerful when it is real. Teaching our children to express their thanks with sincerity is a way of teaching them true shukr (gratitude), which is an act that invites more blessings into their lives. 

The Prophet’s Example of Genuine Thanks 

It is recorded in Sunan Abu Dawood, Hadith 4811, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘He who does not thank the people is not thankful to Allah.’ 

This Hadith highlights that the gratitude we show towards other people is directly linked to our gratitude towards Allah. By modelling a genuine ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, parents are showing their children that these are not mere social manners but are in fact acts of faith. When our tone, our eye contact, and the specificity of our words are all aligned, they reflect real appreciation, not just a performance. When children hear courtesy being spoken with sincerity, they come to understand that it is not about formality, but is about truly valuing others.