What can I do when humour keeps crossing into little put-downs? 

Parenting Perspective 

Humour is a healthy and important part of family life. It brings laughter, eases tension, and helps to create beautiful memories. However, when humour slides into the territory of ‘put-downs,’ such as jokes about a person’s appearance, intelligence, or abilities, it can quickly become harmful. Parents often struggle in these moments because the child may insist, ‘I was only joking,’ leaving them unsure of how to respond without sounding overly strict. The challenge is to protect respect in the household while still allowing playfulness to flourish. 

Name the Difference Between Jokes and Put-Downs 

Children need a clear definition of what crosses the line. You can say, “A good joke is one that makes everyone laugh, but a put-down is something that makes one person feel small. In our family, we only use the first kind of humour.” This helps your child to learn to measure their words by their impact on others, not just by their own intention. 

Teach the ‘Check the Smile’ Rule 

You can offer your child a simple self-check method: if everyone, including the person being joked about, is smiling, then the joke is probably safe. If someone looks uncomfortable or upset, then the joke has stopped being kind. You can phrase this rule as, “Always check for the smile; if there is no smile, it is time to stop.” 

Provide Better Alternatives for Playfulness 

Children sometimes rely on put-downs because they lack other ways to tease someone playfully. You can encourage them to use alternatives, such as silly voices, puns, or harmless exaggerations. You could even role-play a scenario: “Instead of saying, ‘You are so slow,’ you could try joking, ‘We are going to need rocket boosters to be able to catch up with you!’” 

Correct in the Moment Without Shaming 

When a put-down happens, it is best to intervene calmly. You might say, “That sounded like a put-down. Can you please try again with a joke that builds people up, not one that breaks them down?” It is important to avoid shaming phrases like, “Why are you always so mean?” which attack the child’s character. Instead, correct the behaviour and give them a chance to reset. 

Reinforce Respectful and Kind Humour 

When your child makes a joke that is genuinely funny without hurting anyone, make sure to point it out. For example, “That was very clever and also very kind. I love your sense of humour.” This reinforces the idea that respect and fun can, and should, coexist. 

A Mini-Dialogue Example 

Child: ‘That is a nice drawing… if you like scribbles.’ 

Parent: ‘That is a put-down, not a kind joke. Can you please try that again?’ 

Child: ‘Okay… That is a nice drawing; it looks like you had fun making it.’ 

Parent: ‘That is much better. That makes your sibling feel proud of their work, not hurt.’ 

By calmly resetting in the moment, you can show your child that humour has boundaries and that respect should always come first. Your aim is not to remove humour from your family life, but to redirect it into a form that strengthens your family bonds rather than weakening them. 

Spiritual Insight 

Islamic teachings remind us that our words carry a great deal of weight, even when they are spoken in jest. Believers are always instructed to use speech that uplifts other people, not speech that wounds them. 

Words Should Build, Not Break 

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Hujuraat (49), Verses 11: 

‘Those of you who are believers, do not let a nation ridicule another nation, as perhaps it may be that they are better than them…’ 

This verse makes it clear that mocking, belittling, or putting down other people is forbidden, even if it is wrapped in the disguise of humour. Teaching this to our children helps them to see that their jokes are not harmless if they cause another person pain. Respect is a core Islamic value, and every word we speak should contribute to another’s dignity, not destroy it. 

Gentle Speech as a Mark of Belief 

It is recorded in Jami Tirmidhi, Hadith 2315, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said: 

‘Woe to the one who speaks and lies to make the people laugh; woe to him, woe to him.’ 

This Hadith teaches that humour must never come at the cost of truth or respect. If lying in order to get a laugh is so strongly condemned, then mocking or belittling someone for the same reason is equally serious. Children can learn from this that the best and truest wit is always clean, kind, and rooted in honesty. 

By connecting these teachings to your daily family life, you can show your child that their sense of humour is a gift, but like every gift from Allah, it comes with a responsibility. When you gently redirect their small put-downs into a kinder form of humour, you are not only protecting your child’s relationships but are also guiding their tongue towards what is pleasing to Allah.