How can I stop ‘Why can’t you be like your brother?’ from entering our home?

Parenting Perspective

Comparison has the power to corrode a child’s courage. When they hear the words, ‘Why can’t you be like your brother?’ the hidden message they often receive is, ‘Your way of being is not enough.’ This can breed feelings of shame, rivalry, and a tendency towards secret-keeping. Your aim should be to protect your child’s dignity while still teaching them important skills. You can make it a clear house rule that you will always correct behaviour without comparing people.

Set the Family Standard Out Loud

You can gather your family together and state the rule clearly: ‘In this home, we do not compare our children. We will speak about effort, choices, and our next steps.’ You could even post this on the fridge as a reminder. You can explain that comparisons create fear, while direct feedback helps to grow our skills.

Replace Comparison with a Three-Part Script

You can coach all the caregivers in your home to use one clear and simple framework.

• Name the task: ‘The shoes need to go by the door.’
• Name the gap: ‘Yours are currently in the hallway.’
• Name the next step: ‘Please place them on the mat now.’

There should be no rankings and no mention of siblings. The message stays focused on the behaviour, not the child’s identity.

Give Each Child a Personal Growth Lane

Create simple, individual targets for each of your children so their goals do not feel like a race against each other. For Child A, it might be: ‘Read for ten minutes after the Maghrib prayer.’ For Child B, it could be: ‘Lay out your school uniform before you go to bed.’ You can then review their progress privately once a week. When their progress is personal, their motivation can rise without it having to come at the expense of a sibling’s heart.

Create a ‘No-Scoreboard’ Style of Consequences

If a rule is broken, the outcome should be linked only to the behaviour. For example: ‘Using rude words means we must take a pause and then offer an apology.’ Avoid saying things like, ‘Your sister never does that.’ Consistency teaches fairness and helps to reduce any sibling rivalry that might be disguised as perfectionism.

Spiritual Insight

Your steady language can help to build a climate where effort, not ranking, is what earns attention. Your children can then learn to work for their own growth and for the pleasure of Allah, not for applause or out of fear.

Striving is What Matters

This verse is a reminder that our worth is measured by our sincere effort, not by our ability to outpace a sibling. You can teach your child to anchor their heart in their own striving: ‘Your provision (rizq) and your abilities are from Allah. Our job is simply to try our best with honesty, and then to trust in His plan.’

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Najam (53), Verse 39:

‘And they shall be nothing (to account) for mankind except what he has undertaken.’

Justice and Equal Regard in the Home

This hadith teaches us that being fair is a form of worship. Being just towards our children includes using speech that protects each child’s dignity and avoids any kind of favouritism. You could say before a busy family time, ‘I will speak to your actions, not make comparisons. You each have your own path, and I will be fair with each of you.’

It is recorded in Sahih Bukhari, Hadith 2587, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

‘Fear Allah and be just among your children.’

When children see you upholding justice without making comparisons and showing mercy without making excuses, they can learn that their sense of belonging is not something that has to be earned through perfection. It is something that is protected by truth, repair, and a sense of fairness for the sake of Allah.