What should I say when they ask “Are you disappointed in me?” before I speak?

Parenting Perspective

When a child asks, ‘Are you disappointed in me?’ they are not really seeking information; they are seeking safety. They are bracing themselves for rejection and trying to read your face before you pass judgment. This is a fragile moment. If you rush to lecture them, or even stay silent for too long, they may interpret your response as a sign of shame. Your role is to affirm your love for them, separate their identity from their behaviour, and still keep your standards clear.

Anchor Their Safety First

Begin with a phrase that calms their immediate fear before you address the mistake itself.

• ‘No, I am not disappointed in who you are. I love you completely. I may be upset about what happened, but that does not change how I see you as a person.’

This statement separates their worth from their action. The child hears that your love for them is stable, even when rules have been broken.

Distinguish Between the Person and the Action

Children need language that helps them to split their identity from their behaviour. You can use a simple, two-step script.

• Identity: Reassure them, ‘You are my child, and nothing can ever change that.’
• Action: Guide them, ‘This action needs to be repaired. Let us fix it calmly together.’

This structure reassures their heart while still guiding them towards taking responsibility.

Avoid Vague Praise or Heavy Shame

Do not say, ‘Of course not, you are always wonderful,’ if a rule was actually broken, as this can muddy the waters of accountability. Equally, you should avoid blunt answers like, ‘Yes, I am very disappointed,’ which can destroy trust. Instead, keep your response balanced.

• ‘I was not happy with the action, but I am very glad you told me about it. Now, let us make it right.’

Offer an Immediate Pathway to Repair

Children often ask this question because they want to know if there is a way back from their mistake. Show them that the path is short, simple, and practical.

• ‘We can wipe this spill together and then practise carrying the cup with two hands. Then, the matter is finished.’

Clear, achievable steps help to prevent despair and can turn a moment of fear into an opportunity for growth.

Conclude with Reassurance and Hope

Once the repair is complete, finish the interaction with one line that seals their sense of safety.

• ‘I am glad you came to me. Mistakes do not change my love for you. What matters most is telling the truth and fixing it.’

This teaches your child that honesty leads to reconnection, not rejection.

Spiritual Insight

In Islam, disappointment and anger are not the default responses to mistakes. Rather, we are encouraged to respond with mercy, gentleness, and guidance. Allah teaches us to correct others while keeping their hearts close, and to distinguish between the deed and the person who did it.

The Divine Invitation Back to Mercy

This verse shows that Allah does not cut us off when we make a mistake. Instead, He reminds us that our identity as His servants remains, and He invites us to come back to Him with hope. As parents, we can mirror a fraction of this mercy by separating our love for our child from our disapproval of their action.

Allah Almighty states in the noble Quran at Surah Al Zumar (39), Verse 53:

‘Say (O Prophet Muhammad ﷺ): “O my servants, those of you who have transgressed against yourselves (by committing sin); do not lose hope in the mercy of Allah (Almighty); indeed, Allah (Almighty) shall forgive the entirety of your sins…”.’

The Beautifying Quality of Gentleness

Gentleness beautifies any correction we make, while harshness can cause even the truth to lose its benefit. When your child asks if you are disappointed in them, it is a gentle response that will preserve their courage to keep being truthful in the future.

It is recorded in Sahih Muslim, Hadith 2594, that the holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said:

‘Gentleness is not found in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not taken out from anything except that it makes it defective.’

By answering with love, setting fair boundaries, and guiding your child calmly towards repair, you teach them that mistakes are a part of learning, not the end of belonging. They will come to trust that telling the truth leads to mercy, and that mercy will always lead them back to Allah.